Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Leave Gully Creeping to Elephant Man

This is a public service announcement. Ladies, stop doing the “Gully Creeper” in town!

Wondering what that is? Glad you asked. By now I am sure you have a clue what “Gully Creeper” is, if you don’t, don’t sweat it, you are in good hands.

“Gully Creeper” is a ragga dancing style where the dancer strikes a pose like they are creeping. It was popularized by none other than Usain Bolt.

So what do women have to do with a style associated with Usain Bolt? Again, I’m glad you asked.

There is this craze about extra high heels with women. Some look gorgeous while others are a complete disaster. The latter are the ones who do the Gully Creeper.

Ever seen a woman walk like she is stepping on nails, has this constipated look on her face and her walking style is, well, gully creeping?

Just look at what she is wearing and you will find your answer. Women have this thing about following fashion that’s straight out of Cosmopolitan magazine.

I once saw a woman on the phone – must have been her boyfriend on the other side and he was asking that they meet at one of Nairobi’s most popular meeting places. No, not Tea Room, 20th Century building.

She was totally pissed. She was screaming on the phone asking the boy to come to where she was -- Kimathi Street.

I am not one to eavesdrop but I understood why she was angry. Her heels almost reached her knees. They were extra high like those worn by strippers. Don’t ask how I know that.

Her knees were awkwardly bent and, with every step she took, I could swear she hoped it would be her last but no, she had to keep moving and now the man in her life wanted her to walk an extra 400 metres. Such a mean guy!

To make matters worse, one of her heels got stuck in a crack in the pavement and she had to hop around, balancing herself on one long heel.

Women are a strong breed to put themselves through one long heel day after day. They even have some sandals in those “self-contained” handbags for such emergencies!

Scientists have forever warned of back problems later in life for women who balance themselves on needles but to them, that’s a small price to pay for looking like Beyonce, right?

OK, here’s a pointer. Don’t copy Beyonce, she is chauffeur-driven everywhere she goes and doesn’t walk the length of the Globe Cinema Roundabout to Afya Centre every day on those nine-inch heels like most of you!

But, for comedic purposes, continue wearing them. They make my day.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Of Eagles and Ducks

Some weeks ago, I came across an advert in the local dailies about an upcoming motivational talk by a “world renown” author and speaker. His name fails me.

The talk was to cover how to get to the top of the field and soar with the eagles in the financial world. Titled, “Are you an eagle or a duck?”, the workshop was meant to make eagles of ducks.

It sounded interesting and very motivating... until I got to the charges. A whole Sh65,000 for, wait for it, one day! At that point I figured that I might as well be a duck than an eagle. If I can afford Sh65,000 aren’t I an eagle already, or at least a swan? I mean, such an amount should at the very least buy me a plane ticket – so I will be soaring anyway.

Come to think of it, while being an eagle might look and sound exciting, ducks don’t get sucked into plane engines.

Here’s another thought: as a duck, why not save the Sh65,000, which I can then use to pay for a two-week holiday somewhere at the coast? And by the way, don’t eagles fly alone? So what would all those eagles be doing in the same place?

Motivational speakers are brilliant business people. Pay all that money only for some guy to tell you how you need to set aside some money and invest in a profitable cause. Excuse me, didn’t I just part with my capital money to attend this workshop? So much for being an eagle!

Part with Sh65,000 and all you get to do is fill out a questionnaire to determine if you are a happy with your life or if you have what it takes to become rich.

I have never attended such high profile ‘eagle meetings’ but I do know there is nothing about attending one that will really change my life – apart from being Sh65,000 poorer.

Want to know the secret of being a millionaire? Simple, don’t spend your Sh65,000 a day on a workshop that will tell you everything you probably already know. For Sh65,000 I better come out of that workshop with a multi-year government tender or, at the very least, something to attach to my CV that will get me a job as an expatriate.

Who really is the duck in this case? Is it me who decides that I have better use for my money or the bloke who spends such a hefty amount to listen to some other dude talk about how he got to the top?

On top of all that, I still have to buy his damn book! Am I the only one who doesn’t see this for what it is – a brilliant business opportunity for the motivational speaker?

Heck, I need to become a motivational speaker and travel the world reciting my life story to some multi-millionaires who want to know the secret to making your first million.

Like I said, eagles may soar but ducks don’t get sucked into jet engines! I am an eagle, but I fly economy.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Toyota Recalls: Maybe 2017

If you have been following the international news, you would think Toyota has just started WWIII after recalling millions of cars because of a sticky gas pedal problem.

The car making giant has even stopped selling eight models in the United States and Canada, including its popular Camry and Corolla, because of possible unintended acceleration.

This story is likely to make Toyota drop the "ota" in their name and start making toys!

The media is furious and is constantly updating the story, how Toyota's stocks have plummeted ever since that story hit the headlines early this week. There seems to be chaos and confusion. Apart from this part of the world.

In Kenya, that story has not even graced the news pages and is tucked away somewhere in the international news columns. But there is a reason for this, Kenyans and most of Africa don't buy their cars from the show rooms.

The few who do are yet to save enough to buy the 2009 model, which is most affected by the pedal problem. If anything Toyota Kenya has since issued a statement that no recalls will be done in Kenya. I wonder why?

The rest of the population rely on imports from Japan and the "newest" model you will get is probably the 2003 one because of the seven-year-and-below rule on importing a car to Kenya.

So going by that projection, we will experience the gas pedal problem in 2017! By then, the rest of the world will be grappling with another problem, the "personal eye reader" which is used to start the car might be causing blindness.

And I doubt people would even blame Toyota, they would imagine it's only their car that has the problem and proceed to the "mechanic capital of Kenya" on River Road and have it fixed by a "Kinuthia or Moha" and that story wouldn't even make it to the media.

The other problem would be a typical Kenyan having to return their car and remain "carless". That never happens to my fellow citizens. "Why can't I just take it to the mech and have it fixed on a Saturday afternoon while I am at the pub?" Many would ask.

Can you imagine a recall of the Vitz? Do they have gas pedals or do you just pedal away like a bicycle?

Think people are worried about the Toyota recall? Nope. Even if it happened in Kenya, only ten people would be affected. Now if that recall were to happen to the recently purchased government VW Passats, then we would have a problem although the procurement dudes in government would get paid to let the problem "go away".

But if a story would surface about a problem with the 2003 models, Lord help us, Toyota would have the gas pedal stuck on the floor hurtling towards doomsday!

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