Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Land of gloom

Rise and shine, you tell yourself. Look into the mirror and head to the vendor to buy the papers. Front page headline; "90 killed in oil tanker fire tragedy". The story tells of how villagers rushed to their death, smiles written all over their faces, jerrycans in their hands and money on their mind.

The previous week, 26 people had perished in a supermarket fire in the city centre. There were bodies that had yet to be identified from the rubble when the oil tanker exploded at dusk.

Some few weeks later, the terror network that is Mungiki is again in the headlines having killed over 20 people in Kerugoya in a revenge attack on two of their own a week earlier.

Before the tears have even touched the ground, some accident happens and kills dozens of school kids out on a trip at, ironically, Hell's Gate National Park.

Ever since the post-election violence shook us to the core, Kenya has seen nothing but a string of bad news and from the look of things, that won't be stopping anytime soon. The grim reaper seems to have found a nice piece of estate in Kenya.

Turn on your television, your radio, flip the pages of your newspaper, its nothing but gloomy faces and stories from human interest stories to our National team, Harambee Stars. We are so desperate for heroes that we are ready to crown anyone who looks the part.

We have so got used to bad news that we just feel pity for the affected and move on. There is not enough time to worry about one tragedy for long, there will be another just as bad, if not worse.

It is not unusual listening to people comparing tragedies if only to make them feel better. We now use bad news as ice breakers and then move on to other niceties.

A story about the IDPs has almost become an acceptable mistake. We were shocked when the stories first came out but they have since turned to be just another news story in the media.

The issue of the Mau forest has politicians smelling free PR and everybody wants to give their take. How else would you explain a politician telling the locals about how trees are useless because rain comes from the sky and not the trees and then he hops onto his helicopter leaving the poor people holding on to their tattered clothes from being blown away?

I guess misery loves company and there's a lot of "friend requests" from Kenya. We do have good news, but want to bet which one sticks to mind?

The age old adage about "What doesn't kill you can only make you stronger" may be true in our case, only that, it makes people stronger to kill more.

Every youth wants to talk about "doing something" and then immediately starts looking for Friday night rendezvous.

The biggest question in Kenya right now is what's the way forward and nobody seems to have an answer for that except for the same politicians who put us in this mess in the first place.

That's another thing about Kenya, a "clean" politician is one who has not caused the deaths of many people or has a big voting block behind him.

It is also about how well you can spin the bad news associated with you until people forget. And boy don't Kenyans have a short memory!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Who will save us from the Weave?

I was perusing through the Harmonised Draft Constitution hoping to come across a clause that bans hair weaves. You don't have to bet that I am a very disappointed man because it seems as though "that thing" that women put on their heads is legal and is here to stay.

You see, "that thing" has caused men untold suffering ever since it was "discovered". Everyday we wake up hoping to see that its gone or it was one bad dream only to have it thrown to our faces literally and looks like nothing will stop its growth. If anything, it's getting more popular.

It's this growth that has minted weave manufacturers enough money to buy three small countries and still have enough money to go on holiday at Saint-Tropez for ten years.

I have not even heard of any weave factory that has closed after failing to beat the economic crunch being experienced world wide. Talk about women power!

Since the mid-90s, women have been walking around in multi-coloured sewn-on or even glued-on hair weaves. From where I'm seated, be it in traffic, office, or even at the barbers, I can count over ten weaves and majority are those you can see the sewn-on lines. A complete disaster!

For some strange reason, women don't seem to think of the weave as a complete turn-off in the bedroom yet they keep wondering what happened to the sparks that used to be ignited once they hit the sack. You want the truth? That sisal mat is what happened.

A common sight today is watching a woman trying to scratch her head and its like a sci-fi horror movie seeing the whole hair move from one side to the other revealing the dirty and unkempt undergrowth.

There's a Swahili saying that goes; "Akili ni Nywele..." now do you think whoever coined that phrase had a woman wearing a weave in mind? So what does this mean for the women whose heads are full of fake, ummm, hair?

I was at a weave launch last week and boy, wasn't it a sold out show. The women were excited and it was near pandemonium when three weaves were thrown to the crowd. You thought women can't play rugby, think again?

To think that there are women who get shaved and their hair sold to others is creepy stuff to be honest. How do you walk around with the hair of a peasant from India?

And they dare call it human hair but when you see many of such hair, the only real thing on that 'hair' is the "Made in China" tag.

The biggest argument that womenfolk give to defend the use of weaves is that it is handy for women who have really bad hair and who need to give their real hair time to rest and pick up.

The problem comes in when many wear the weave essentially to avoid having to groom their natural hair on a daily basis and for heaven's sake, why keep the weave on for months! The smell is nauseating and the sight is so bad it should be legally banned.

This is a heartfelt plea from the men. "Make peace with your hair" Trust me ladies, men would rather see that kinky, natural hair any day and not your long, colourful fake hair!

What do you call a person wearing a weave. A weavee?

Wednesday, November 18, 2009


Dear Tourist,

First things first. Forget all that mumbo jumbo you've learned from "Kiswahili for dummies" on how people greet each other in Kenya. Nobody says "Jambo" anymore in Kenya, that's so last decade.

You actually don't need to learn anything, but if you want to stay grounded and in touch with the Kenyans, then the following words are all you really need to know; "Niaje, Sema boss, Aje aje, wsupangalas" and many more.

Sometime you don't even need to say a word, just give the "thumbs up" sign or a slight nod and your message will be passed safe and sound.

This is Kenya, a country in Africa not a town in a country called Africa. Kenyans are a very knowledgeable people. We probably know more about New York than a New Yorker, and we even pull off deeper accents than you.

Typical Kenyan joke; "How do you know you are seated next to a Kenyan on a plane?" He's the guy who keeps changing accents whenever you fly over a different country.

We are a Third World country with a heavy First World country mentality. We know how much you love watching the sunrise, sunset and the stars at night. For that reason, we are cutting down all the trees that may deny you that pleasure.

So don't believe what the environmentalists say about the Mau, we are selflessly depleting it for your horizon and sky viewing contentment.

Once we are done with the Mau, we will storm into the Mt Kenya forest and do the same. Hey, it's all about YOU!

Oh, by the way, we have CNN, E! News and those big channels from your countries and so we know you guys from the West love to adopt babies, thanks to Angelina Jolie and Madonna. We are not superstars or have that kind of money but we are doing our best to catch up.

We are now adopting wild animals! Usain Bolt has one, Louis Moreno Ocampo has another and even our Prime Minister got in on the action! And guess what, they are all named after them! There are no costs in their upbringing, just pick, name and release to the wild! Genius isn't it?

Forget the stories you've heard about famine, ask our Government Spokesman, he will tell you that we just had a prolonged Summer. You all love summertime right? Then why would you say that sun was bringing drought instead of tourists?

Sure, you may have your F1, Indy Car racing and the rest. But in Kenya, we have matatu drivers and unlike those tame races of yours where the driver puts himself at risk, here, they drive with more than 15 people inside! Beat that!

You guys may have your Great Walls, Empire State Building, Big Ben, Buckingham Palace and the likes for your visitors. We don't have such but thats not a worry, or like we used to say back in "Jambo era" Hakuna Matata! We have Kibera! Our pride and joy and if you are a government visitor, you are whisked there before you even meet the President. Kibera is the biggest slum in Africa and truly a wondrous sight to behold. Who said we don't lead at something?

With proof like this, who can doubt that we strive to be everything the developed world is. And here’s more: we have a German coach for our National Football Team, and we didn't even demean him or ourselves by perusing his CV and noticing that, he was Liberia's national coach and had never won a single game in Africa.

We didn't care about that. Our Prime Minister flew to Germany and brought us a "hero" who would take us to the World Cup.
We didn't make it to the World Cup. Infact, we only won one game out of seven! Out of all the soccer coaches worldwide, Hey, that's his name, is the worst performer.

NB: For those of you who know something about this great land called Kenya, not all of us can run the full marathon in under two hours or the steeple chase without breaking a sweat. We have pickpockets who can outrun Bolt but Athletics Kenya won't do anything to get them join the National Team.

PS: We are not fashionable slim.. If you see shoulder blades protruding it is not as a result of a diet... wait a minute, it actually is, a major diet called MALNUTRITION!


Tuesday, November 17, 2009


I think its time we started engaging our entertainers to a draft constitution like process. It would be the best bet against some of the bad quality entertainment we have been receiving.

I propose that they (entertainers) be tabling a draft copy of their music, film, TV show or skit before they can proceed with the final product. This will help in protecting us (the fans) from useless material that we surely don’t need.

I am thinking about Nameless, Habida, Churchill, Daddy Owen and Bob Nyanja coming up with a draft copy, sending it to the media or the public via their websites or Facebook and then we all give it a listen and vote on whether we like it or not.

If we don’t, we point out the areas that need surgery , where we think the entire draft is weak or unpalatable then we would just send it all back for another rework.This process I propose should go on until we are satisfied with the final product!

If the public feel like no changes were made to their recommendations, then they can decide to throw out the whole draft and order the entertainers to come up with something new.

Don’t forget that they will be given a time frame on which to operate with. If its a song, we can order Nameless to go back to Ogopa and record a new track within two weeks failure to which, his future drafts will be delayed before approval.

If it’s a stand up skit, then Churchill goes back and has two days to present a new draft with jokes and the same punishment exists.

Because we all cannot be in the sub-committee to work on the draft, fans will need to vote in six guys to be their representatives and have the powers to agree or disagree.

After the entertainers have fulfilled the committee’s demands, it moves to the next level where a nine-member commission will oversee the implementation of the new track, show or movie which the public will now enjoy.

If it’s a new artiste, they must present at least 6 songs to prove that they are not one-hit wonders. If the committee feels like the artiste does not have what it takes, then they can present the song to the public but with a tag; “Warning, one hit wonder”.

I have a feeling this process will guarantee us quality entertainment for ever and ever!Dont’ you think so?

Monday, November 9, 2009


This is a protest letter of sorts to the Kenya Bureau of Standards (KEBS) for they claim that they are “on top of things” when it comes to protecting the consumer from substandard goods.
I believe I speak for the majority when I say that there is one area that they do even concentrate on. Entertainment. Have you listened or watched to some of the material, we music consumers, also known as fans, are exposed to?

I have heard music that made my ears bleed, got me dizzy and almost re-taste whatever I had eaten earlier. I have watched things that my eyes were not supposed to see and I almost snapped a finger as I scampered to press the remote button.

I am not only talking about those River Road made vernacular porn flicks that will give you an indigestion, I am also bringing to your attention some of the music and shows that have been approved for “GE” (General Exhibition).

So KEBS, I need to know why you are not pursuing the people allegedly known as entertainers, who are behind these atrocious productions? I am a Kenyan taxpayer and I believe I should be protected from un palatable music or shows that are on air.

Has any of you tried to watch some of the Jitu Films productions? If you haven’t you should be fired because you are supposed to have your “ENT”, Ears, Eyes, Nose and Tongue on the ground to hear, see, smell and even taste anything that’s on the market. If you have watched the productions, then you should also be fired for letting it go to the market the way it is.

Have you watched some of the commercials we the taxpayers are being subjected to? All these detergent and insecticide commercials that sound and look the same because of using the same ad agencies are a health hazard. And don't even get me started about that Safaricom "Super Ongea" ad or the KPLC "Stima Loan" commercial.

They should be banned for lack of creativity and causing untold anguish to some of us who think we can do far much better.

Have you listened to the song “Pamela” by SK Blue and Ringtone or the first lines of the song by Jaguar and AY; “Wanashine kwa mwangaza na wanajidai, mi nashine kwa giza na sijidai”. I love the song and its video but that line is way below KEBS standards, I would like to believe!

Have you listened to Soulja Boy, Gucci Mane and Bird Man? They give dumb a whole new meaning, and they are supposed to be international stars! Can you believe that?

You see, if you won’t help protect Kenyans from such substandard material, then I will just have to change and see if one John Michuki, the Minister for Environment can help me together with NEMA.

I am part of the environment that he is so determined to save and if I will be “destroyed” by such material, then I bet my appeal will be somewhere near the Mau forest issue.

Do you realise how much of the environment is used to process, print and record some of these useless materials? I guess Michuki is the right man to pursue. Think he will help me out?

Thursday, October 29, 2009


The fastest man on earth, Usain Bolt, lands in Kenya in a couple of hours and there's a lot of excitement among his fans from this part of the world. Everybody would like to see what the man who grips the world for a record 9 seconds every time he is racing is made of. Does he have a Ferrari F430 engine, fumes or does he run on a trend mill?
Others will want to know if they can get your weed guy's number since there is belief that all Jamaicans partake of the green.
But even as we welcome Mr Usain Bolt to Kenya, here are a few pointers he should keep in mind.
Don't be fooled, you may be the fastest man but in Nairobi, if a thief gets hold of your phone, bling or those Puma shoes, trust me, you can't, I repeat, can't catch them. You keep threatening that you are still yet to reach your peak and that you can still further slice the 9:58s World Record but if your bling finds itself in the hands of a Kenyan pickpocket, trust me, you will operate at your very best and still not even see the colour of shorts he is wearing.
Blame our Athletics Kenya guys that they have not exploited such talent.
I know you will be visiting the President and the Prime Minister later on. Here's what you need to know, our President will most probably have no clue who you are so don't go all excited asking him what he thought about how you annihilated Tyson Gay.
He is a very friendly man our President so just enjoy the jokes and keep a translator nearby just in case he switches to Swahili or Kikuyu without warning.
As for our Prime Minister, he definitely knows a thing or two about you and he will be so excited to meet you and tell you about his "kassin" (cousin) Barack Obama and how he met him recently. He will also marvel at how both your names, Usain and Hussein rhyme and might entertain a notion that may be just may be you might be related.
You can try and get him to do the "Bolt Arms" move and he will thank you for it just tell him that you will need a cheque if he uses it in his 2012 campaigns.
We know how much you love Reggae. There's a club called Mad House in Nairobi and its also known as the "Tourists club". Its on a very famous street called Koinange Street, goggle it and discover why everybody is a star on that strip and the girls there keep yelling "Sweetie".
We know you are here on an environmental mission but don't try and talk about global warming because you will get the "How dare you" eyes. It is wet and cold in Nairobi and there are those who might entertain any idea that has anything to do with heat.
Brother Bolt, (notice the "brother" tag? Yeah, you are in Africa) we have a new tourist attraction site called Kibera. Any high profile person who lands in Kenya is whisked to see one of the most "amazing" sites in Kenya. It's a slum, the biggest in East and Central Africa we are told so resist the urge to join the long list of people who see it and start promising to help Kenya. Never happens.
Lastly, Nairobi is a no smoking zone ...
Welcome to KENYA!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Awards and speeches

The award ceremonies are here and Kenyans are bagging them like crazy. Next up, the Channel O Music Awards due to be held this weekend. We are well represented by five of our entertainers; Wahu, Amani, Cannibal, Risasi and Collo. I wish them all the best and I would like to give them a head start on a small matter.
You see, if your name is up for an award, there are chances that you might just bag the award and if you are present to accept your award, then your fans will need to hear an acceptance speech.
As far as I know, we are not used to winning continental awards and so we cannot be blamed for being not well versed in the art of giving acceptance speeches.
It is unfortunate that we do not have our very own Kanye West who can help interrupt your acceptance speech which means, you have no excuse of not having one.
If you saw Amani scratching her head while receiving her award at the MTV Awards or Nameless trying to make up something on the go after he received his award then you get my drift.
The most amusing one was Amani, she was blank but clever girl, she managed to scratch her head until something cropped up. Wahu was brilliant last year in Nigeria when she won her award she used tears and really helped bring out the supposed effect!
You see, when you win an award, there are people who have really helped you bag it and it is usually disastrous when you forget to thank them. But that’s not enough, you will need to have a flow and need to be contained.
“Er, Er, I would like to, er, er...” Is a big No, No! Also, this is unacceptable; “I thank God, and my haters...” Come on! Those two never go hand in hand!
Always start with God, family and everybody else follows but try and avoid making it look like a “Salaams club” session on KBC. You cannot thank everyone. When you start thanking your dad’s cousin’s little brother’s nephew’s mother, then we have a problem.
If you want write them down and keep them short and sweet. Never, ever, forget to thank your fans or at least those that voted for you. It might come back to haunt you!
While at it, don’t forget to thank me for this brilliant coaching session. I will be waiting and all the best to the nominees!

Thursday, October 22, 2009


In two weeks time, one Mr Louis Moreno Ocampo lands in Kenya ready to take back with him some of the perpetrators of the Post Election Violence. These are the big shots, those who funded the violence and whatnot.
Ocampo looks like a guy from a horror flick, very scary and intimidating and he does sound serious about introducing some few errant Kenyan politicians to camp Hague. So when he lands, you can bet there will be some people packing up for the nine hour trip to Europe.
Since we won't have time to bid them farewell or even get to find out where they will residing. Many might also be caught by surprise that they are leaving with Mr Ocampo. This means, they won't have enough time to prepare and do the pre-travel arrangements like checking out their destination and things to do.
So, being the good guy that I am, I thought it would be appropriate to post for them a "Politicians guide to the Hague". You see, Hague is not a courtroom, its a town located in the centre of Europe, between London, Frankfurt, Berlin, Paris and Rotterdam-- the world's largest port.
Kenya Airways and KLM operate flights from Kenya to the Netherlands regularly and as many of you (politicians) are used to traveling, you can get there using the Flying Blue air mile card.
Once you land, there will be no need to use public transportation, Mr Ocampo will have sorted that out for you and because you are a "Mheshimiwa" you will even have armed security to your "hotel".
Mr Kenyan politician, you need to know that The Hague is also known as the 'City of Peace and Justice' which was lain in 1899, when the world's first-ever Peace Conference took place.
It is the third largest city in the Netherlands after Amsterdam and Rotterdam, with a population of 485,818 excluding your honorable self. It is quite a melting pot, both literally (as is your case) and figuratively. All foreign embassies and government ministries are located in the city.
As to where you will be residing, The International Criminal Court, also known as the ICC. If you don't know by now, this is a permanent tribunal to prosecute individuals for genocide, crimes against humanity, war crimes, and the crime of aggression. If you are on that flight with Ocampo, you are accused of having done one of the above.
You won't be lonely while at the Hague, Liberian President Charles Taylor has been there for quite some time now and its very possible he "runs the Hague cells". Be on his good side and you will well.
I hope you have watched Prison Break first season. This is because Taylor may approach you and offer you his pocket lining. Don't ask questions, just grab it and you will be safe.
If not, then please listen carefully, DO NOT DROP THE SOAP!
So long Mr Politician. Enjoy your trip and stay and hope to never see you again!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


As I type this, there are thousands of Form Four students scared stiff on whether they will pass the KCSE exams they have started writing this morning. It is a terrifying experience for anybody who has passed through the Kenyan education system.
Every school has two AK-47 wielding cops doing their rounds and trying to look important or maybe they can trace their failures in life to this time back in their day.
As they wonder about what might have happened had they passed those exams, there is another mean looking female teacher seated at the very front reading last week's paper and keeps adjusting her wear. Oh, what it does to a 17-year-old adolescent boy.
She then steps out and comes back with a huge blue mug and one of those "Makes 14 cups of tea" Thermoses or flasks. On the other hand she carries six King Sized "Mandazis".
She then takes her seat and proceeds to empty the thermos and devour the mandazis to your astonishment and your grumbling stomach. The smell is enough to make you forget even the most basic of answers.
Try looking at her and she will treat you the same way the government treats Internally Displaced Persons.
If that is not bad enough, you then turn back and find almost everyone has a "Mwakenya" and others have text books and they are going copying faster than a copy typist. They make "copy and paste" look like child's play.
They then give you the "thumbs up" to show you that their prayers have been answered, literally, and even show you the exact question they are "researching" on.
You look at the "Invigilator" (yes, that's her official name) and she is on her 13th cup of a possible 14 and you almost start crying because besides the hunger, the copying going on behind you is tearing you apart.
The bell rings and you all stand up and hand in your papers. The teacher is full and happy and those behind you have filled their answer sheets and are even happier.
Ironic that after 12 years of education, your adult life will be determined by that exam.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Alpha Male Vs Superlito!

Give it up to East Africa's very own superheroes; one one corner is Tusker Project Fame's winner The Alpha Male and on the other corner is Superlito!
And so, after a whole two months that were all dominated by the comedian wanna-be superlito, it went down to the wire where he was knocked out by the ever sensitive Alpha Male.
It was a battle that was won fair and square although the real battle was behind the scenes as their fans, overwhelmingly teenage girls, thumbed in their votes via text.
I must say, TPF3 was one of the best produced shows compared to the last two. Even the winner was deservedly awarded. Or was he?
When it comes to singing, Alpha was the Alpha male literally but beyond TPF, I think Ng'ang'a would have carried their torch better than Valerie Kimani the inaugural winner and Esther Nabaasa.
The two have not been as visible as it would have been expected but let's not get into that. Alpha will continue singing and he will go places and EABL will milk his popularity in Rwanda to the last drop but does he have a Tusker image? No! Not even an Alvaro image.
You see, for one to carry a brand as big as Tusker, you have to be nuts and if there's anything Ng'ang'a was, it was nuts! He would be the kind of guy who, whenever see him, you see a mlevi but not in a bad way.
I can bet that Ng'ang'a is one Mugithi track to being the biggest artiste Kenya has and having had a chat with him, I can tell you that he will do just that.
As for Patricia, I really think this kid has talent although she might appear like she is "upmarket" for her fans and loose out. She does have the voice and the looks. if only she can use her Psychology degree to her advantage when dealing with her fans.
Caroline is Ugandan. Period! Ugandans are known to love their artistes so I have no fear that she will go far especially if she keeps her hyper and down-to-earth attitude.
But even as these wanna-bes are thrown into the public, especially the Kenyan one, known to be unforgiving and just give lip service for support, they will need TPF to help them out in a bit.
But TPF has been atrocious in "post TPF hype", they never use the contestants to market themselves the way, say, American Idol has been with the likes of David Cook or Kelly Clarkson.
They need to keep tabs on this kids because one the winner bags the Sh5 M, they are out and they will be seen again next time a new TPF rolls in.
Sure, Tusker sinks in over Sh300 million for the reality show and I never get why people go "ga ga" over that amount. First, if you were to calculate how much free media the show gives the mother brand, then you will realise that 300M is loose change.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

True or blatant lie? You decide.

From The Sydney Morning Herald...

SIDNEY, Australia, Sept 24 – Grace Gichuhi sobs quietly as she considers her future.

"They use a knife. Just a knife, no medicine," she says. "They circumcise you and maybe you die or you survive."

The 22 year-old fears deportation to Kenya, where she will be genitally mutilated, while a bill that could prevent that fate awaits parliamentary debate.

The Mungiki sect that killed her mother for refusing to have her mutilated has threatened her life for the same reason, Ms Gichuhi said yesterday.

As it stands, Ms Gichuhi does not meet refugee criteria. However, she and a fellow Kenyan, Teresia Ndikaru Muturi, could be protected under legislation introduced to Parliament.

Called complementary protection, the changes would expand rigid criteria that require a refugee's fear of persecution to be based on ''race, religion, nationality, membership of a particular social group, or political opinion''.

This means people facing genital mutilation or torture for other reasons can miss out.

In forced mutilation, 10 men hold the woman down, while another brandishing a knife performs the cut in front of as many as 30 onlookers, Ms Gichuhi said.

For Ms Muturi, 21, refusing circumcision has angered her family. Five years ago, after her mother accepted 10 cows from a 70-year-old man for her hand in marriage, Ms Muturi ran away.

Both women arrived in Australia in July last year on tourist visas for World Youth Day. They then lodged protection claims with the Immigration Department which were refused.

"Under the refugee convention, they weren't found to engage with Australia's international obligations," a departmental spokesman said.

An appeal to the refugee tribunal failed and a subsequent plea to the Immigration Minister, Chris Evans, to overturn the decision was rejected.

A ''repeat request'' for Senator Evans to reconsider is before the department now, incorporating more information.

Sister Aileen Crowe, a Franciscan nun fighting the deportation, wants the minister to stop all women in similar circumstances from being deported before the new laws are in place.

Five other Kenyans facing genital mutilation were granted protection without the need for appeals. ''There are some immigration officials who follow processes to the letter of the law,'' she said. ''It all depends on who they get to interview them.''

Her "plight" has caused outrage triggering an alliance between political adversaries, lawyers and refugee groups who want the Immigration Minister to intervene.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Commercialisation of Gospel music?

I have to constantly pat myself on the back because a year ago, I consistently told anyone within earshot that 2009 will belong to gospel music. True to form, this year, some of the best songs on air right now are gospel tracks, some of the best concerts we have experienced have been gospel tracks and Kapungala has been the definition of anything gospel.
Many doubted me but I could tell going by their creativity and the reception they had started to generate, it was only a matter of time. And this trend is set to continue because even though the secular guys are doing their thing, gospel still rocks!
This success is good for everyone who is a fan of gospel songs but I think the artistes are pushing it a bit in the wrong direction and very soon, there will be an over saturation of gospel music and guess what, we will go looking for something new and fresh.
It may not be a problem of their own making but I think this success is getting to people's minds and they are no longer true to the cause anymore. Because of the success, gospel music has now become the "right thing" to do for any upcoming artiste and what we are listening to is not entirely meant to uplift or rejoice to the Most High!
It has turned out to be secular music but in past tense. I can bet that majority of the gospel tracks out there today have a line that goes thus; "Nilikua nikihanya, nikiwaka..." (Used to be a drunk and promiscuous...) True or false?
That's why I say its secular music delivered in past tense because the same line in a secular track would go like; "Ninamanzi wakuhanya, pombe niwake..." (I got gals in droves...)
I agree its important for the artiste to show where God has brought him from, but is that the only thing there is to sing about if you are into gospel? Strangely enough, those kinds of lyrics are only found in Hip Hop, Ragga and pop tracks because I have never heard such lines in a song by Ruth Wamuyu or Eunice Njeri?
If this is the way gospel is headed, then, I am sorry, we have lost the meaning. I should be able to know a gospel track when I hear it not until they utter the word God which is the main thing with some of the tracks we are listening to.
We may keep saying gospel has swagger but shouldn't that swag be on a higher level than that of secular artistes? I am not judging anyone, just that, if you want fame and think gospel is the way to go, you on the wrong place.
I can bet you that very soon, we will have a gospel track with half naked girls on it all in the name of swagger if something ain't done soon!

Monday, September 7, 2009

Tusker Project Make-up!

Was it just me or does one Mitch Egwang leave your TV screens all greasy after the Tusker Project fame show? Well, that was one thing I don't want to do again for I hope someone will knock some sense on the make-up artists.
Don't Mitch and Sheila look like they have sores on their face that were covered with some jelly? Last week, Mitch looked like he couldn’t see and the green jacket he wore did not help matters.
I am not a guru when it comes to matters fashion but doesn’t take a genius to tell that the green from both the anchors was reflecting badly on their oily faces and in turn left my screen all messy just like the whole show was.
If they can’t, then I propose they be scrapped together with the bad make-up on the hosts!
The contestants were as bad as they come when it came to doing reggae songs and will someone tell them to stop moving around the stage so much? The poor wanna-bes are always out of breath by the second verse.
Still looks or sounds like their main theme, like the Sunday before; the main theme at the performances was “Off Key”. I almost feel like all the voice coach is telling them is 'let’s piss off these people and see what happens’
Back to dressing, who thought of putting that thing on Sheila’s head? She has good hair, weave or not, but whatever that thing was (and I swear I saw it move four times through the show) it did her no justice.
I know someone will yell they were keeping up with the theme of the show but I won’t buy it for one bit. What happens when they will be doing rock? Paint them white and add silver piercing complete with tattoos of some skulls?
Theme can only be stretched so far, and after that, it just becomes ludicrous especially when it gets to the hosts. The wanna-bes can do the theme but the hosts should always be different like is the case with the judges and the teachers.
If the theme issue continues, I can bet you they will start telling the audience to dress the part and I hope to be in attendance when they go all Indian!
Finally, I think that guy Ng’ang’a should leave. He has no voice and I agree with what Ian told him that he needs to know whether he is a comedian or a musician. His voice, with all due respect, reminds me of those Wakorino singers you find on the streets and it gets hilarious when he sings songs in English because he sounds like he is joking. For him to win the show, I suggest they let him sing in Kikuyu for the rest of the season or join Kajairo in song comedy.
Big Brother Africa is back from today and they had better have a good Kenyan representative because I am still recovering from the effects of one Jeff Anthony.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Census for the entertainers!

I was not shocked to learn that Hawayu, you may remember it’s that show where the host doesn’t know whether he is a cross dresser, a musician or a comedian, has ended.
After the first two episodes, I decided that I had better things to do with my 30 minutes---- like pulling my own hair and I never paid any more attention.
I hear they are saying the show is on a season break? Really? I think that’s Chinese for, “It’s been scrapped!”
That I must say was one of the best career decisions made for Omosh.
Away from Hawayu, As I waited to be counted over the last week and thinking I would be placed under “others” when the final tally is made, it made me realise how hard it is for an entertainer to try so hard to be counted among the best then it doesn’t happen.
The number of artistes who have been in the industry for over eight years and are still regarded as “up and coming artistes” is staggering.
I think the number is huge enough for them to start a whole industry on their own.
It must be hard because, everybody around me has been talking about how they have been counted, meaning they are part of a larger group and that relegates me to very few Kenyans-not a good feeling.
As an artiste, it is heartbreaking when you have two songs and maybe one poorly done video and still nobody gives you a second look on the streets or when you get a rare chance to be on stage, people take it like it’s a commercial break and decide to go to the toilet or buy a cigarette.
I meet entertainers who are desperate for that one track or show that will put them on the map and have their faces in the media or at least get an occasional; “Oh my God, are you Refigah?”!!!
My not being counted although depressing, as I m proud to be a Kenyan, is not heart wrenching like that of an artiste who wont get a breakthrough.
There are two things you can do, quit or get that one track or show that will make you famous. I suggest you go with the first option especially if you have been in the industry for over five years.
Give it up because may be it’s just not for you and look for something else to do. Don’t worry, you can always tell the public that you are on a season break!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Digitise and syndicate!

Through the years, Kenyan television stations have treated us to a wide variety of programming from the worst of the worst to the best and they continue to do so.
It is by no means, a mean feat especially in an industry like ours where creativity is in abundance but rarely gets to be showcased and so the little that manages to sieve through must be preserved.
And that is where the problem arises. The word syndication is as foreign in the our TV stations as the word decency in our politicians.
From Tahamaki to Vitimbi, Vioja Mahakamani, Vituko, Tushauriane, Kisulisuli, Better Days and many others, once they have been pulled off air, you all know that no matter how a hardcore fan you were of them, you will never see them again.
Even some of the programs that we are enjoying now will fall off the face of the earth after their runs are over and new programs take their slot.
In broadcasting, syndication is the sale of the right to broadcast shows to multiple individual stations, without going through a broadcast network.
For example, a program like Churchill Live can be broadcast on KTN, Citizen or any other channels once NTV is done with it.
Problem is, with the way our television is organised, I doubt that can happen because they never share even news items!
So, how else can the stations ensure that popular programs stay on for years after their broadcast sell by date? Simple, have them available on DvD!
We all get to watch programs like Prison Break, Lost, Burn Notice, How I met your mother, Boondocks even when they are still being broadcast right? That’s what I’m talking about.
Very many us still remember programs like Tushauriane with nostalgia so can you guess how many would rush to get a copy of the program’s DvD? Its money in the bank for KBC!
We all watch re-runs of shows like The Jeffersons, Mind your language, Sanford and Son and still laugh at the jokes years after they stopped production so I don’t know why I can’t watch Kenyan programs or even have them as a collector’s item.
Reddykyulass proved that syndication means loads of money and I’m sure a few will follow the same path.
There are three kinds of syndication; First-run which refers to programming that is broadcast for the first time as a syndicated show, Off-network, the sale of a program that was originally run on network television: a rerun and Public-broadcasting.
Let’s keep the few gems we have around not in the stations vaults but in our homes. Whose with me?

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Want to enjoy Kenyan Sports... Press the mute button!!

Kenya is a football loving country and we go nuts whenever one of our teams is playing be it locally or abroad.
As I watch the ongoing match between Gor Mahia and AFC Leopards where the latter is currently leading, I have come to one conclusion, we may have fans, but we don't have football analysts or commentors.
Listening to the commentators, I have heard stuff like, "If Gor wants to win this match, then they will have to score more goals than AFC who are leading at the moment!" Shocking am telling you!
I have heard more fun nursing an injury than listening to the local so called "football experts".
Whenever I watch sports channels like ESPN's Sports Center and Soccernet Press Pass, I always marvel at how they use sports icons like Magic Johnson and other much qualified people in their network for things like analysis and even interviews.
This, I have come to realise tends to make the stories deeper, more relevant and believable since they usually have inside details or more knowledge on whatever sport they are involved in. This is because if its analysing, say, the NBA Finals, someone like Magic has been there and knows the kind of mental state the players are in.
In Kenya, all our sports icons are never called to help add a new perspective to the stories being carried. That job is left to some wannabes who think they know it all.
I always see people who have never even touched a ball commenting on things like football and that is why I believe we have the worst sports analysts.
The analysts always try and offer some perspective on the sports and they always end up giving us analysis that make you want to sit on a pin.
"If I were Alex Ferguson, I would not have put Van Der Sar as the keeper, I think he would have been brilliant as a midfielder." Those are some of the things you might hear if you listen carefully.
Plus analysis should be on the formation, ball movement and the likes. But when you listen to or homegrown talent you will hear of stuff like, "I think Barcelona are leading because they have scored one goal and Man United haven't. I think that for United to win, they will need two goals..."
Shouldn't that be a crime? Come on tell me something new even if it will be wrong for heaven's sakes!
Analysts do more than just tell us what we know, they go a step further but not on the wrong direction like our people.
If its athletics, get Paul Tergat, Ndereba, Mwafrika and others to help you out, not to listen to analysis like "If Ndereba wants to win, she should be the first at the finishing line." Try and tell me how the body starts to feel after ten kilometers and the likes.
If they would do that, then we can start tuning to the local programs to listen to their ideas rather than rushing to the loo.

Thursday, August 6, 2009


Since the explosion of reality shows, it has now become obvious that TV is full of amateurs in search of their big break.
In Kenya, we have several shows and they are all pathetic as we have come to painfully see and for the shows to happen, they must contestants. That’s where the problem starts.
My problem with the contestants, at least in Kenya is that they are the same old faces and they making me sick.
All you needed to do was watch the show “The Presenter” and you get my argument. Majority of the contestants have been on every darn audition or show that has hit the airwaves.
From that show, I can pick out guys who I have seen at the MTV VJ search, Tusker Project Fame, both shows some as contestants and others as hopefuls, Idols and I can bet you they have tried their hand for Big Brother. Case in point, some dude called Koome!
So, when I see them on television on a show that seeks to look for Kenya’s next big thing, I sympathied with the viewers.
Surely, how many trials does one need to prove that they just don’t have what it takes to make it on television? Even the blondes who fail on American Idols never try their luck on the Apprentice right? Not in Kenya.
What we have is a bunch of youthful energy who don’t care what they do as long as they end up on television. Explain why one would try out on all the reality shows that Kenya has had?
Isn’t one of the contestants at the show, the one who couldn’t handle the pressure at TPF2? If you can’t handle that kinda pressure which Hemedi did, can you handle the turbulent life that is television?
Watching the show, I had no idea what to think of it. Were they being taught to be television reporters, anchors, editors or cry babies? Am confused just like the contestants only that I haven’t tried for every show available.
If we are to advance and get new faces, we need some sort of rules for anyone who tries out for two shows unsuccessfully.
I think we should start circulating their faces like the police do for wanted criminals on any audition so that we can give other people a chance to try their hand at something that they might actually be good at!
I love the show’s concept just that the format is a bit unclear and if it wasn’t done in a hurry as it looks like was the case.
For those who didn't make it on this show, you can bet they will be next on line for the next audition! Wanna bet?

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Beauty pageants turning ugly

At some point there was an explosion of beauty pageants in Kenya that they outnumbered the models themselves. Then they all died and the only ones left are those stripper joints competitions.
The popularity of the pageants almost signaled a good turn for the organisers of those events. But instead of controlling them through good quality shows, they let every Tom, Dick and Model do whatever they wanted.
There ceased being a criteria of who was eligible or what was to be modeled. I have been invited to many pageants where the men are modeling those suits that are bought in the supermarkets and they still have those lines.
The girls on the other side cannot be left behind with their cheap weaves, high heels and (mostly) red dresses that should come with a "Stay away from fire" tag.
If you thought being dumb was a preserve of most of the winners, think again, the organisers of such shows are worse. Everything about such events such spells cheap and they are usually sponsored by local salons whose only contribution is helping them print the black and white posters and some hideous banners.
I think we have the highest number of "beauty queens" than anywhere in the world and what they do or achieve is still a mystery because they just don on those Sh150 tiaras and some hand made sash and some plastic bouquets.
Beauty pageants are no longer a preserve of a few or events that make people just scream their heads off, they are a chance for the municipal big wig to be noticed.
Of all the places I have traveled I still believe Kenya has some of the most beautiful women in the world (although I believe Brazil and the Carribean are on the very top) so we can produce potential Miss World's or beauty queens who would woo any tourist to Kenya.
It just needs to be organised and it can get back to the days when the competition was vicious and far between and when one won, everyone wanted to know more about them.
Tell me, when was the last time you wanted to know about who won a particular pageant?
That said, I wish the Miss Kenya contestant all the best in China although I still believe she won't make it to the even the top 20 but I would love to be proven wrong.

Friday, July 31, 2009


Kenyan productions are the best thing to ever happen to our viewing pleasures and they seem like they are not going anywhere. Yet!
Yes, our local productions are all the rage and with good reason, they speak our language and we can relate to the scripts and yes, because we are supporting our homegrown talent.
There is no need of mentioning the major productions in our living rooms, both the good and the very bad, but one thing is for sure, they have overshadowed almost every foreign production on the market.
Well, there are still the useless soaps that still rake in ratings but I would want to believe some of our productions like Tahidi High would whoop their Mexican or is it Philippine behind.
However, all that is very good right now, the mood is right, the market is receptive and so is the corporate world and local productions have never been this good. The problem is not whether we have talent, its more of, is this talent bankable in the long haul?
Sustainability is the word am looking here and one thing about the media is not if you are good at the start but rather if you will still be good as days pass.
This is a marathon and not a sprint so it matters less whether you are the first off the blocks or the last, can you build enough momentum to get you past your rivals and still manage to hold the momentum and till the end?
The fastest man in the world, Usain Bolt, is always the slowest at the start but his bristering pace gets him past everybody else and the gap at the finishing line is big enough to park a bus.
Yes, Churchill Live, Papa Shirandula and Siri are all the rage at the moment but will we be saying the same thing next year same time?
Already Churchill Live seems to have died a natural death after the first season and what the comedian has replaced it with is not up to his high standards. "Top Comic" has already stalled and its six episodes deep!
On Tahidi, they seem stuck because of its very setting. Its biggest stars, OJ, Sheesh and Tanya are in Form Four and are about to graduate. What happens when they leave? Thats the problem that even the producers don't seem to know.
Simple, kill off the production or have another show that will be run by the main stars in another setting. Joblessness, campus life etc.
As much as we like them, they gotta go. Simple!
I am all for local productions but sustainability is what worries me and if that happens, then I know that this is not a phase but a season that will last for years to come.
If its a phase, then we only have ourselves to blame!

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Blame it on the...

An African proverb goes thus, "Until the lions can tell their stories, tales of hunting will always glorify the hunter."
This is a proverb that goes on to say that unless people tell their own stories, whether of triumph or defeat, people will always believe whatever is out there telling that story and this is true when it comes to Africa.
Who will ever tell the African story? Everybody has their story about Africa but it all has one thing in common, that Africa is a doomed country full of AIDS, poverty, wild animals and some of the most backwards people. I don't blame the West (atleast not entirely) for casting Africa in bad light.
I blame us, we are always complaining but we are the first to show off our poverty to the world. Kibera has now become a tourist attraction site in Kenya, any high profile person who lands in Kenya is whisked there even before meeting the President and the American media will replay that shot a million times until people believe that is Kenya.
After that, lets go to the movies, I always hate watching movies on Africa because they just perpetuate the poverty notion. Again, what do we do, we just complain and flock the cinemas to watch the film.
Any celebrity in America who is considered A List material wants a piece of Africa's latest import; orphans! Am not running away from the truth, no, this issues do exist but they also do in the US and Europe!
We have very many stories we can tell but unless they are told from the eyes of an outsider, we don't take them seriously. Heck, even a movie like Blood Diamond which is shot in Africa had a white person as the lead.
We have National heroes, isn't it time we honoured them by doing feature films on them and applaud them for what they did for Kenya?
Come on, Americans shoot movies about anything and make it sell, why cant we start small and see what we can do for our own heroes like Paul Tergat who is the second most popular African in Brazil after Nelson Mandela or even Henry Wanyoike who has proved you don't need to have eyes to have a vision!
Yes, Riverwood is doing well but isn't it time they started concentrating on telling the "Real Kenyan" story? Not to take to Hollywood, but to give us Kenyans a sense of patriotism and need to get rid of this notion that it is the West that will save us, no, its us and our God! Believe that!

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Remembering Cobra Squad...

Sloppy acting, an equally weak script and an annoying set of events is what Cobra Squad brought to your living rooms every Sunday.
Our dear Government Spokesman Alfred Mutua continues to ruin his reputation whenever the show hits the airwaves because if there is one program I would help pay so as it never gets back on telly, it has to be Cobra Squad.
Season one was horrendous and unbelievable that such a show would grab a prime time slot on television and so when it ended I was very happy that the assault had come to an end. Then they brought back season two! Who said lighting doesn’t strike twice?
My problem with the show has nothing to do with who is producing it but rather, how it is produced. If it is acting, it has to be the worst in the history of bad acting, a script that clearly is not written but sent via SMS to the actors and action scenes that leaves a bad taste in your mouth.
Once in a while, I attempt to watch the show but it just never makes sense. Usually, a plot should lead somewhere and not into a Zain store or a hotel where one orders for Brookside milk, it should be able to captivate and get you to talk or think of what’s next. But no, not Cobra Squad, every scene is an advertising gold mine and that is where problem lies.
What is the objective of Cobra Squad? It definitely does not intend to build an actor’s career or such, its just an opportunity to make money for the Producer, writer, cameraman, director, financier and marketer all who are the same person, Mutua!
It is good to see corporates getting on board but I doubt they get value for their money for appearing on this show because all they get it quantity not quality in the product placement segments.
A mad man can go shouting a brand all over time and I doubt you can call that advertising. All Cobra Squad needs to do is get writers, cameramen and better actors and it will start being relevant because all those choppers, AK 47 rifles just confuse the show the more.
Look at smaller budget programs like Mother in-law, Papa Shirandula, Tahidi High, they are a bigger brand that Cobra Squad which I might start calling Cobbler Squad soon.
There is still time to rescue the show but that depends on the objectives.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Omosh, the Tribal council has spoken U have been voted off the island... of comedy!

It has been a while since I heard someone call for a National prayer day to pray for our country since last year when we completely lost our heads.
I know we don't need a prayer day to dedicate our country to God but I think I should call one on supposedly the next big comedian Omosh.
I have watched that thing he calls a show for two weeks and I can say that I love watching that show as much as I love the smell of burning garbage.
To be honest, I have heard more creative jokes while watching the weather updates than I have from the last two shows of "Hawayu".
First things first, who is Omosh, Churchill, Kajairo or Nyengese? He doen't seem to know whethere he is a stand up comedian or an actor. There is a difference I tell you.
He needs to define what his craft is and then stick to it as a way of giving the audience a chance to know him and get to understand where he is coming from. He is trying to hard to be funny.
Don't even get me started on the name so I will just zoom past it because isn't Churchill the one who invented or atleast made it famous?
On the show itself, everything seems to be going wrong for young Omosh because from the lighting, sound and even props, they are all a big turn off and that is made worse when he steps on stage with skits that are done at Daystar.
I have no beef with Omosh as a person, I think he has some talent somewhere, what I have a problem with is his rush to be a star.
For heaven's sake, he is 22 and still in college, what happens when he hits and after a year and he is done? Spend the rest of his years as savouring the moments?
The Kenyan audience is one of the most unforgiving crowd I have ever met. They may seem interested until you cross some imaginary boundaries they set for you and they will never even look your way after that.
The one thing that Omosh is missing apart from creative jokes is patience and I know even his three fans agree. He started out in December and six months later he has his own show? How lucky can a brother be?
Moving from two minutes at Churchill Live to having 30 minutes with Hawayu is no small feat and I doubt he knows whats at stake.
The money may be good now but the money will always be there if you take your time, grow and then have a bigger audience and influence.
Many people say that we need to give him time. I agree, but shouldn't he give himself time to grow first? It is his career not the audiences.
I feel for him because this is the second time in a second station that he is trying to have his own show with disastrous results within a span of five months.
Unless he has nine lives like a cat, I think he should take a bow and exit the stage until such a time he is ready and maybe, just maybe, we can give him a third chance. Comedy is no laughing matter I tell you.

Friday, July 24, 2009

And here's the NEWS... Or lack of it!

News anchors! Where do we start, they are a thankless lot you know. Everyday they are welcomed into millions of households in Kenya and but when they leave, (if the hosts decides to let them stay the length of the news) they leave a bad taste in our mouths.
Reading the news is not small feat but we expect that by the time we see a face presenting the news, they have been through the drill and can follow the autocue seamlessly and once in a while wow us with an off the cuff report.
But that's not my beef, its the lack of chemistry between anchors that just gets to me. The nine o'clock news are now presented in pairs and in some stations, that is just disastrous.
From blondes and bimbos who can't follow the autocue to know its their turn to trying dry jokes where only them laugh, the pairing on television is just bad.
What was supposed to be a new generation of news casters is proving to be a step back to the days of Hamisi Themor when you sat through the news and pick up the necessary bits like wher the President went to church followed by the VP.
There is no creativity as far as news casting is concerned because all they do is read the autocue, line up a clip to go with it and we are done.
The girls of TV are the worst affected, they think that their looks is enough to make us enjoy them doing their work but sadly they are mistaken.
The guys, to be honest are a bit more composed, steer clear of dry jokes and they just do their do and wait for end month.
The girls, they try stuff that really never works, like showing us their handbags, trying to comment on a clip they have no clue.
It goes something like this; "Wow, that was something. What do you think?" and the other says; "I know its really something right?" (Giggles)
Now, we all watched the clip, what is "something" and how is that supposed to help me as a viewer enjoy the news?
If you were to adlib, that is, share a thought you have, it better be concrete and at the very least, make sense. Is that asking for too much really?
Female anchors should be able to make us want to watch the news and not care if we will understand a word they say, so if you are a girl and people tend to listen to message you have, then you are doing somethign wrong.
Why do you think Esther Arunga is so loved? You can listen to her but it is legal to let your mind wander after sometime. Men say it ain't so?

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Talk shows or blondes anonymous?

Female talk Shows. They are a women best friend alongside Soap Operas and the opposite sex swears by them taking in everything they are told without questioning.
Oprah Winfrey, the biggest name in the art and slowly but surely Tyra Banks, seems to be creeping into that position and the women are loving every minute of it because, to quote my baby sister, "They have variety!"
Well, that variety seems to be coming to Kenya but it looks like nobody is taking notice because, to be honest, Kenyan talk shows are borderline pathetic.
Now, I am not a fan of talk shows and their emotional nature apart from when they have some serious guests like Donald Trump, Obama and other heavyweights who make news anytime.
Over the last year, female talk shows have literally exploded on our screens and now we have The woman's show, Sebuleni, The Patricia Show, Today's Woman Show and others that I cannot really remember.
My problem with these shows is that they are the most depressing shows you will ever catch on television together with Catalinas where the women are always crying their eyes out and the men are shirtless and they never smile.
Our local shows have nothing new to share and they seem to recycle every woman who has been on television or one who is burdened with life's problems.
I know women go through a lot in life but is that all there is to women? As a society, we need to celebrate women and not always bring someone who has a sad story which sometimes are pushed to a unbelievable heights.
If you listen, you might hear something like this; "I have single handedly raised my children alone." I know that is sad but wait till you hear what comes next. "I have nine kids and none of their six fathers helps me in any way and now I am pregnant with the tenth."
Now, how am I as a viewer supposed to do? Cry, laugh or switch off my telly? All this time, there is a host whose main purpose is to look good on telly and she just looks at the "victim" and all she can muster is; "Oh, pole sana." Really? What about telling her to stop delivering kids like she is a conveyor belt?
Even Oprah Winfrey has times when she livens up her show with celebrities, giveaways, humuor and even road trips with some of her biggest fans. Why can't these shows try to liven up their shows and then stop bringing audiences whose main role is to smile for the camera?
Even at the office I have asked some of my female colleagues and they are all seem to agree that female talk shows in Kenya are a waste of time.
If you want to know just how bad the local talk shows are doing, ask any girl you see to name you what they love about these shows and you will be shocked. They would rather wait till midnight to watch Tyra or Oprah than watch these daytime weepy shows. Although why do our stations insist on bringing daytime soaps at midnight and bring porn during prime time hours?
Clever by half perhaps?

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Air heads and Radio; Match made in HELL!

There is no dispute that our radio industry has blown up in a massive way and continues to stay on the top but I have some issues with the new kind of radio presentation.
Call in sessions used to be spaced throught out a four hour show such that a presenter had ample time to indulge their audience with the substance that's between their ears but sadly this is not the case anymore.
Do you that just about anyone can host a radio show and I mean everybody who can say this; "What do you think about that? Call us on blah, blah..."
Yes, that is the only thing you get when you tune to your favourite radio station and to be honest, it bores me so much I can feel my hair growing.
What happened to hiring presenters who pick a topic, a relevant one at that, and then tell us their side of the story or give us tit bits that helped us get our general knowledge sharpened?
Whether its a business deal with the mobile phone companies or just lack of content, radio listeners are being taken for a ride and many don't even know as they are busy calling in to hear how they sound on radio.
When was the last time you listened to a radio presenter and the talk did not end with you being asked to call in and give your two cents worth?
I have no problem with call in sessions but they should remain just that, sessions and not run the darn show from start to finish.
A presenter sees a picture in the papers or even saw someone crossing the road as they went to work; "Call me and tell me what you think about that."
They had a drinking session the previous night or are in a bad mood or got dumped; "What do you think? Call me and let's talk."
Why don't you just come and pull my hair dear presenter? Blondeness has been allowed on radio while all this time some qualified and interesting next big radio presenter is somewhere looking for a job with no hope.
Radio executives need to address this because at somepoint, you the listener will be asked to call in and just run the show and this I can bet you affects the quality of a show.
I know that to be a radio presenter is tough because but isn't that why very few make it on radio? The doors have just been flung open and every person who can talk with an accent is eligible.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Time to punish useless entertainers!!

Recently, my favourite television host Jeremy Clarkson of Top Gear was on the receiving end after he called the British Prime Minister a “one eyed idiot”.
He apologised but he received some nasty backlash from the public through death threats, people spitting at him and calling him names and my favourite, getting CDs of the Sugarbabes and James Blunt sent to his house.
Now, the music is considered as torture by the Brits and that was the reason they sent it to him. That got me thinking, if it was Kenya and people were to send some “torture” music to him, which songs would make it to Clarkson’s door?
It was not hard coming up with names of artistes whose music I would personally buy to ensure he gets good quality “bad music”.
On top of my list would be a compilation CD of tunes from artistes, Mr Lenny and Choku, these two just keep doing songs even when the crowd clearly hates it.
I would like Clarkson to be really tortured while listening to the two artistes attempting to sing and I would even own up if the authorities started looking for the culprit.
Other songs have to be Nyota Ndogo and Mr Blue, Magwezere by Bugs, Jua Yanyesha by Tattuu, Ti-chi by Kenrazy, Sarafina by Jaguar, Mambo Bado by Wahu, Muadhara by Jimmy Gait and many others that I forget.
But I would not stop at just music, no, no, Clarkson must really regret why he said that to the British PM and so he must suffer visually to and what better way that to get him to watch the full two seasons of Cobra Squad. I would actually send two copies of each incase one has a scratch.
After he is through with that, he will have to watch the Tusker na Milli TVshow and listen to a sorry Barasa and watch a pointless show. Other shows he will have to watch will be Inspekta Mwala, The Prime Time Show and the Coastal shows all over our stations.
By then, he will be begging me to stop and I will but there is one more thing, he will have to stay for one month with Hemedi.

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