Wednesday, January 27, 2010

A Kenyan on vacation

Kenyans are a peculiar lot like one Michael Joseph once claimed and was almost ran out of town.

But there are signs to show that this is indeed true. Take what Kenyans do while on vacation.

Kenyans spend half of their working time dreaming about going on vacation and resting. When they finally get to Mombasa, Naivasha, Nanyuki or Nakuru, they will do everything else but rest.

They will hang out every single waking moment, dance themselves lame, shout themselves horse, drink themselves silly and stare their eyes blind.

Ask any soul that was in Mombasa over the Christmas and New Year how many hours they slept. Want to bet that in the ten days, there are guys who slept a combined 10 hours?

Club Lambada and Bobs were the main reason for this self induced insomnia. Guys would rave for 12 hours straight. From midnight to midday, leave the club, catch some forty winks for two hours or less and hit the beach with their poison of choice.

The drinking would start at 3PM until 9PM before it the session would be transferred to Bobs.

You see, Bobs is not that great a club, the music is boring, security guys feel sweet but people love it because that is where Nairobians meet.

It beats all sense why you would escape the concrete and traffic jam laden jungle that is the Capital city only to go and meet everybody you always see back home. But hey, we are Kenyans right? You wouldn't understand.

The ladies who feel sweet for guys in Nairobi are extremely friendly when they are out of town. So if there is a girl you have been following in vain, just know when she’s headed to Mombasa and you will be in luck.

So after all the rave, it is time to go home and what do Nairobians do, they intoxicate themselves further with the slim hope they will sleep on their way back.

That never happens, they keep slipping in and out of slumber to make sure the levels of their intoxication is constantly rising. They get to Mtito Andei and they refill further.

You would think after a week or two in Mombasa, one would be ready to get to work. No, not Kenyans, they will need a day or two so as they can get the rest they were to take in the first place.

Now, check, the itinerary of a foreigner, they check into the hotel, sleep and then the rest of the days will be spent at the beach getting a tan, snorkeling or kite surfing.

Save for those who come for the sex tourism, the rest get as much rest as possible that when they go back home, they can work for a year straight.

But that’s boring to a Kenyan. Don’t expect me to sleep on vacation.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I am Kenyan... You wouldn't understand!

There are somethings that I, or any of my fellow citizens would do that only we understand. You see, "We are Kenyan, You wouldn't understand."

Every holiday season, we all made the exodus from the concrete jungle to the the lush green jungle that is "shagz" (upcountry). We still do batter trade here, We take maize and wheat flour, the XXL loaf of bread, Kasuku (thats the name for all cooking fats) and some other fancy items and they in return slaughter a goat, buy the soda and provide accommodation. You see, we are Kenyan, you wouldn't understand.

We are shocked whenever we hear a full grown American or Brit saying they didn't make it in life because their dad missed their recitals, soccer games or graduation. You see, for us, the only time we wished to see our parents was on visiting days, for those of us who were in boarding schools or when she just dropped by and brought goodies. If you got news that any of your relatives was around, it was probably bad news or something that resulted in an ass whopping. You see we are Kenyan, you wouldn't understand.

Sometime back, Oprah Winfrey had a guest on her popular show talking about how to discipline children. Really? Apparently, this genius of a person, recommended was not the good old spanking, no she advised parents; "You look your child in the eye and with a very stern voice tell them to stop," Now if that had happened in my house while I was growing up, I would have written a best seller by now. You see, we are Kenyan, you wouldn't understand.

Still on spanking, what in God's name is a timeout? The only kind of timeout Kenyan children know is when your parent is taking a "time out" to catch a breather and continue with the ass whopping either with a belt, slipper or anything they can grab. Most of the time, the fight stopped when the neighbours intervened. You see, we are Kenyan, you wouldn't understand.

You must feel for Tiger Woods, just because he had 14 mistresses, he is the scum of the earth? If he were Kenyan, or African, he would be a hero. This story would not even have made headlines, if anything, he would be on a public rally somewhere launching his political career! Just 11 mistresses? There are politicians who have been accused of raping and they didn't even step in a police station. You see, we are Kenyan, you wouldn't understand.

You see, when it comes to ladies, we have the most beautiful girls in the continent. They are gracious but they do have their own lingo. Let's call it "Swanglish" (Swahili and English) and it goes like this; "Jana I kwendad nyumbani and I kutanad with your brathe usiku. I was nyeshewad mbaya sanaa!" Or it can also go something like this; "Si I ambiad you to wacha chekeleaing me?" You see, we are Kenyan, you wouldn't understand.

When it comes to our parents, we have never heard our folks talking about how they have money. Never! Its always "I am as broke as a church mouse" then they go and come back with a new car, buy land. Even when we grow up, they still never have money! You see, we are Kenyan, you wouldn't understand.

We never understand why some of our own would wish to travel to the US and get a job bathing old people in homes while your very grandmother who is older than them is still strong enough to go and till her own land. You see, we are Kenyan, we also don't understand.

Whenever tourists come to Kenya, they always struggle to address us in Swahili only to find that some of us have more complicated accents than them and they have never stepped the inside of a plane. You see, we are Kenyan, we also don't understand!

When you have a birthday and you wish someone "A Happy birthday," you will most likely get this response; "You too". You see, we are Kenyan, we also don't understand!

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