Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I am Kenyan... You wouldn't understand!

There are somethings that I, or any of my fellow citizens would do that only we understand. You see, "We are Kenyan, You wouldn't understand."

Every holiday season, we all made the exodus from the concrete jungle to the the lush green jungle that is "shagz" (upcountry). We still do batter trade here, We take maize and wheat flour, the XXL loaf of bread, Kasuku (thats the name for all cooking fats) and some other fancy items and they in return slaughter a goat, buy the soda and provide accommodation. You see, we are Kenyan, you wouldn't understand.

We are shocked whenever we hear a full grown American or Brit saying they didn't make it in life because their dad missed their recitals, soccer games or graduation. You see, for us, the only time we wished to see our parents was on visiting days, for those of us who were in boarding schools or when she just dropped by and brought goodies. If you got news that any of your relatives was around, it was probably bad news or something that resulted in an ass whopping. You see we are Kenyan, you wouldn't understand.

Sometime back, Oprah Winfrey had a guest on her popular show talking about how to discipline children. Really? Apparently, this genius of a person, recommended was not the good old spanking, no she advised parents; "You look your child in the eye and with a very stern voice tell them to stop," Now if that had happened in my house while I was growing up, I would have written a best seller by now. You see, we are Kenyan, you wouldn't understand.

Still on spanking, what in God's name is a timeout? The only kind of timeout Kenyan children know is when your parent is taking a "time out" to catch a breather and continue with the ass whopping either with a belt, slipper or anything they can grab. Most of the time, the fight stopped when the neighbours intervened. You see, we are Kenyan, you wouldn't understand.

You must feel for Tiger Woods, just because he had 14 mistresses, he is the scum of the earth? If he were Kenyan, or African, he would be a hero. This story would not even have made headlines, if anything, he would be on a public rally somewhere launching his political career! Just 11 mistresses? There are politicians who have been accused of raping and they didn't even step in a police station. You see, we are Kenyan, you wouldn't understand.

You see, when it comes to ladies, we have the most beautiful girls in the continent. They are gracious but they do have their own lingo. Let's call it "Swanglish" (Swahili and English) and it goes like this; "Jana I kwendad nyumbani and I kutanad with your brathe usiku. I was nyeshewad mbaya sanaa!" Or it can also go something like this; "Si I ambiad you to wacha chekeleaing me?" You see, we are Kenyan, you wouldn't understand.

When it comes to our parents, we have never heard our folks talking about how they have money. Never! Its always "I am as broke as a church mouse" then they go and come back with a new car, buy land. Even when we grow up, they still never have money! You see, we are Kenyan, you wouldn't understand.

We never understand why some of our own would wish to travel to the US and get a job bathing old people in homes while your very grandmother who is older than them is still strong enough to go and till her own land. You see, we are Kenyan, we also don't understand.

Whenever tourists come to Kenya, they always struggle to address us in Swahili only to find that some of us have more complicated accents than them and they have never stepped the inside of a plane. You see, we are Kenyan, we also don't understand!

When you have a birthday and you wish someone "A Happy birthday," you will most likely get this response; "You too". You see, we are Kenyan, we also don't understand!


  1. Hey, I enjoyed the read. I believe tho that sheng stands for swa/eng concontions. I identify with this Kenyanese

  2. Nice read. Had a blast. Enyewe, we are Kenyan, we also don't understand!

  3. I feel like I've read this somewhere..

  4. "I feel like I've read this somewhere.."

    @ Savvy, u probably have. There is a lot of unoriginal material on the internets these days.


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