Who will save us from the Weave?

I was perusing through the Harmonised Draft Constitution hoping to come across a clause that bans hair weaves. You don't have to bet that I am a very disappointed man because it seems as though "that thing" that women put on their heads is legal and is here to stay.

You see, "that thing" has caused men untold suffering ever since it was "discovered". Everyday we wake up hoping to see that its gone or it was one bad dream only to have it thrown to our faces literally and looks like nothing will stop its growth. If anything, it's getting more popular.

It's this growth that has minted weave manufacturers enough money to buy three small countries and still have enough money to go on holiday at Saint-Tropez for ten years.

I have not even heard of any weave factory that has closed after failing to beat the economic crunch being experienced world wide. Talk about women power!

Since the mid-90s, women have been walking around in multi-coloured sewn-on or even glued-on hair weaves. From where I'm seated, be it in traffic, office, or even at the barbers, I can count over ten weaves and majority are those you can see the sewn-on lines. A complete disaster!

For some strange reason, women don't seem to think of the weave as a complete turn-off in the bedroom yet they keep wondering what happened to the sparks that used to be ignited once they hit the sack. You want the truth? That sisal mat is what happened.

A common sight today is watching a woman trying to scratch her head and its like a sci-fi horror movie seeing the whole hair move from one side to the other revealing the dirty and unkempt undergrowth.

There's a Swahili saying that goes; "Akili ni Nywele..." now do you think whoever coined that phrase had a woman wearing a weave in mind? So what does this mean for the women whose heads are full of fake, ummm, hair?

I was at a weave launch last week and boy, wasn't it a sold out show. The women were excited and it was near pandemonium when three weaves were thrown to the crowd. You thought women can't play rugby, think again?

To think that there are women who get shaved and their hair sold to others is creepy stuff to be honest. How do you walk around with the hair of a peasant from India?

And they dare call it human hair but when you see many of such hair, the only real thing on that 'hair' is the "Made in China" tag.

The biggest argument that womenfolk give to defend the use of weaves is that it is handy for women who have really bad hair and who need to give their real hair time to rest and pick up.

The problem comes in when many wear the weave essentially to avoid having to groom their natural hair on a daily basis and for heaven's sake, why keep the weave on for months! The smell is nauseating and the sight is so bad it should be legally banned.

This is a heartfelt plea from the men. "Make peace with your hair" Trust me ladies, men would rather see that kinky, natural hair any day and not your long, colourful fake hair!

What do you call a person wearing a weave. A weavee?