LIGHTNING STRIKES NAIROBI

The fastest man on earth, Usain Bolt, lands in Kenya in a couple of hours and there's a lot of excitement among his fans from this part of the world. Everybody would like to see what the man who grips the world for a record 9 seconds every time he is racing is made of. Does he have a Ferrari F430 engine, fumes or does he run on a trend mill?
Others will want to know if they can get your weed guy's number since there is belief that all Jamaicans partake of the green.
But even as we welcome Mr Usain Bolt to Kenya, here are a few pointers he should keep in mind.
Don't be fooled, you may be the fastest man but in Nairobi, if a thief gets hold of your phone, bling or those Puma shoes, trust me, you can't, I repeat, can't catch them. You keep threatening that you are still yet to reach your peak and that you can still further slice the 9:58s World Record but if your bling finds itself in the hands of a Kenyan pickpocket, trust me, you will operate at your very best and still not even see the colour of shorts he is wearing.
Blame our Athletics Kenya guys that they have not exploited such talent.
I know you will be visiting the President and the Prime Minister later on. Here's what you need to know, our President will most probably have no clue who you are so don't go all excited asking him what he thought about how you annihilated Tyson Gay.
He is a very friendly man our President so just enjoy the jokes and keep a translator nearby just in case he switches to Swahili or Kikuyu without warning.
As for our Prime Minister, he definitely knows a thing or two about you and he will be so excited to meet you and tell you about his "kassin" (cousin) Barack Obama and how he met him recently. He will also marvel at how both your names, Usain and Hussein rhyme and might entertain a notion that may be just may be you might be related.
You can try and get him to do the "Bolt Arms" move and he will thank you for it just tell him that you will need a cheque if he uses it in his 2012 campaigns.
We know how much you love Reggae. There's a club called Mad House in Nairobi and its also known as the "Tourists club". Its on a very famous street called Koinange Street, goggle it and discover why everybody is a star on that strip and the girls there keep yelling "Sweetie".
We know you are here on an environmental mission but don't try and talk about global warming because you will get the "How dare you" eyes. It is wet and cold in Nairobi and there are those who might entertain any idea that has anything to do with heat.
Brother Bolt, (notice the "brother" tag? Yeah, you are in Africa) we have a new tourist attraction site called Kibera. Any high profile person who lands in Kenya is whisked to see one of the most "amazing" sites in Kenya. It's a slum, the biggest in East and Central Africa we are told so resist the urge to join the long list of people who see it and start promising to help Kenya. Never happens.
Lastly, Nairobi is a no smoking zone ...
Welcome to KENYA!