FACELIFT? TRY KENYATTA MARKET!

You need to watch one of those American shows where they do cosmetic surgery and you realise these people really do have money.
One such surgery is liposuction. In liposuction, a vacuum-like structure is inserted beneath the skin then sucks up all the fat leaving you with a lean stomach albeit with an ugly sagging skin.

Then there is tummy tuck and other surgeries that rich people decide to splash their money on. But there is one cosmetic surgery, a facelift, I realised we can do in Kenya for as little as Sh1,000 at Kenyatta Market. A facelift.

Two weeks ago I met a girl and she had one of those “Chinese eyes” and they looked like they had been transferred to the forehead. It was as if she had to tilt her head backwards to see properly because they were almost at the spot where the hairline starts.

I remembered my own sisters used to come home looking like her. The girl's skin was tight, real tight, and that's when I remembered, Dr 90210 on the E Channel had a “patient” who wanted her face skin to be tightened. I can bet she had to part with thousands of dollars for that operation and here was, let’s call her Vicky because, well, that’s her real name, who had the same operation for Sh1,200.

Come on, isn’t this a talent we can export to the US? We can land in Kenyatta market, round up a few of the stylists and voila, Kenya will be mentioned in the fashion circles and not just the usual athletics.

Anyone see my business sense? All these women walking in town with extremely tight facial skin did not have needles stuck on their beautiful faces to numb their pain, they did not have to undergo anaesthesia and their skin mutilated. All they did was hop into a Ngumo Estate bound “Hoppa”, and drop off at Kenyatta Market where someone pounces on their hair and starts plaiting as they haggle over the price.

If you are in a hurry (FYI, all this info came from my sisters) whoever finally “won” your head calls for backup, you are forced to sit on the cold floor as they hoist their dress revealing everything, (thank God there are no men around unless they are gay) and start plaiting.

I am told the facelift-cum-plaiting takes two hours and you have to blink severally to confirm that your eyes are working and can see from their new position at the forehead. You pay and voila, a job that would have taken a surgeon in Beverly Hills five hours to do and a month to heal takes two hours and you can even run after a City Hoppa! The only problem I am told is that you can’t touch the hair for two days!

This is one project I am willing to undertake and ya’ll can laugh but when I am sitting on the Oprah couch talking about my “ingenious bloodless facelift procedure” and the crowd will be full of “Awww that's so sweet” and some even crying, you will take me seriously! I will even add the “It's a procedure that’s very environmentally friendly and does not contribute to global warming” just to have Oprah hug me!

So all you Westerners looking for facelifts, look no further. Africa has the solution, you can save your money what with the recession and maybe you can use it to adopt another child since African kids are accessories!

So Kenyatta market, I salute all the women who do bloodless cosmetic surgery everyday. Keep it up. Up yours Dr 90210!