Who will save us from the Weave?

I was perusing through the Harmonised Draft Constitution hoping to come across a clause that bans hair weaves. You don't have to bet that I am a very disappointed man because it seems as though "that thing" that women put on their heads is legal and is here to stay.

You see, "that thing" has caused men untold suffering ever since it was "discovered". Everyday we wake up hoping to see that its gone or it was one bad dream only to have it thrown to our faces literally and looks like nothing will stop its growth. If anything, it's getting more popular.

It's this growth that has minted weave manufacturers enough money to buy three small countries and still have enough money to go on holiday at Saint-Tropez for ten years.

I have not even heard of any weave factory that has closed after failing to beat the economic crunch being experienced world wide. Talk about women power!

Since the mid-90s, women have been walking around in multi-coloured sewn-on or even glued-on hair weaves. From where I'm seated, be it in traffic, office, or even at the barbers, I can count over ten weaves and majority are those you can see the sewn-on lines. A complete disaster!

For some strange reason, women don't seem to think of the weave as a complete turn-off in the bedroom yet they keep wondering what happened to the sparks that used to be ignited once they hit the sack. You want the truth? That sisal mat is what happened.

A common sight today is watching a woman trying to scratch her head and its like a sci-fi horror movie seeing the whole hair move from one side to the other revealing the dirty and unkempt undergrowth.

There's a Swahili saying that goes; "Akili ni Nywele..." now do you think whoever coined that phrase had a woman wearing a weave in mind? So what does this mean for the women whose heads are full of fake, ummm, hair?

I was at a weave launch last week and boy, wasn't it a sold out show. The women were excited and it was near pandemonium when three weaves were thrown to the crowd. You thought women can't play rugby, think again?

To think that there are women who get shaved and their hair sold to others is creepy stuff to be honest. How do you walk around with the hair of a peasant from India?

And they dare call it human hair but when you see many of such hair, the only real thing on that 'hair' is the "Made in China" tag.

The biggest argument that womenfolk give to defend the use of weaves is that it is handy for women who have really bad hair and who need to give their real hair time to rest and pick up.

The problem comes in when many wear the weave essentially to avoid having to groom their natural hair on a daily basis and for heaven's sake, why keep the weave on for months! The smell is nauseating and the sight is so bad it should be legally banned.

This is a heartfelt plea from the men. "Make peace with your hair" Trust me ladies, men would rather see that kinky, natural hair any day and not your long, colourful fake hair!

What do you call a person wearing a weave. A weavee?

TRAVELLER'S GUIDE TO KENYA

Dear Tourist,

First things first. Forget all that mumbo jumbo you've learned from "Kiswahili for dummies" on how people greet each other in Kenya. Nobody says "Jambo" anymore in Kenya, that's so last decade.

You actually don't need to learn anything, but if you want to stay grounded and in touch with the Kenyans, then the following words are all you really need to know; "Niaje, Sema boss, Aje aje, wsupangalas" and many more.

Sometime you don't even need to say a word, just give the "thumbs up" sign or a slight nod and your message will be passed safe and sound.

This is Kenya, a country in Africa not a town in a country called Africa. Kenyans are a very knowledgeable people. We probably know more about New York than a New Yorker, and we even pull off deeper accents than you.

Typical Kenyan joke; "How do you know you are seated next to a Kenyan on a plane?" He's the guy who keeps changing accents whenever you fly over a different country.

We are a Third World country with a heavy First World country mentality. We know how much you love watching the sunrise, sunset and the stars at night. For that reason, we are cutting down all the trees that may deny you that pleasure.

So don't believe what the environmentalists say about the Mau, we are selflessly depleting it for your horizon and sky viewing contentment.

Once we are done with the Mau, we will storm into the Mt Kenya forest and do the same. Hey, it's all about YOU!

Oh, by the way, we have CNN, E! News and those big channels from your countries and so we know you guys from the West love to adopt babies, thanks to Angelina Jolie and Madonna. We are not superstars or have that kind of money but we are doing our best to catch up.

We are now adopting wild animals! Usain Bolt has one, Louis Moreno Ocampo has another and even our Prime Minister got in on the action! And guess what, they are all named after them! There are no costs in their upbringing, just pick, name and release to the wild! Genius isn't it?

Forget the stories you've heard about famine, ask our Government Spokesman, he will tell you that we just had a prolonged Summer. You all love summertime right? Then why would you say that sun was bringing drought instead of tourists?

Sure, you may have your F1, Indy Car racing and the rest. But in Kenya, we have matatu drivers and unlike those tame races of yours where the driver puts himself at risk, here, they drive with more than 15 people inside! Beat that!

You guys may have your Great Walls, Empire State Building, Big Ben, Buckingham Palace and the likes for your visitors. We don't have such but thats not a worry, or like we used to say back in "Jambo era" Hakuna Matata! We have Kibera! Our pride and joy and if you are a government visitor, you are whisked there before you even meet the President. Kibera is the biggest slum in Africa and truly a wondrous sight to behold. Who said we don't lead at something?

With proof like this, who can doubt that we strive to be everything the developed world is. And here’s more: we have a German coach for our National Football Team, and we didn't even demean him or ourselves by perusing his CV and noticing that, he was Liberia's national coach and had never won a single game in Africa.

We didn't care about that. Our Prime Minister flew to Germany and brought us a "hero" who would take us to the World Cup.
We didn't make it to the World Cup. Infact, we only won one game out of seven! Out of all the soccer coaches worldwide, Hey, that's his name, is the worst performer.

NB: For those of you who know something about this great land called Kenya, not all of us can run the full marathon in under two hours or the steeple chase without breaking a sweat. We have pickpockets who can outrun Bolt but Athletics Kenya won't do anything to get them join the National Team.

PS: We are not fashionable slim.. If you see shoulder blades protruding it is not as a result of a diet... wait a minute, it actually is, a major diet called MALNUTRITION!

KARIBU KENYA!!

ENTERTAINMENT DRAFT COPY

I think its time we started engaging our entertainers to a draft constitution like process. It would be the best bet against some of the bad quality entertainment we have been receiving.

I propose that they (entertainers) be tabling a draft copy of their music, film, TV show or skit before they can proceed with the final product. This will help in protecting us (the fans) from useless material that we surely don’t need.

I am thinking about Nameless, Habida, Churchill, Daddy Owen and Bob Nyanja coming up with a draft copy, sending it to the media or the public via their websites or Facebook and then we all give it a listen and vote on whether we like it or not.

If we don’t, we point out the areas that need surgery , where we think the entire draft is weak or unpalatable then we would just send it all back for another rework.This process I propose should go on until we are satisfied with the final product!

If the public feel like no changes were made to their recommendations, then they can decide to throw out the whole draft and order the entertainers to come up with something new.

Don’t forget that they will be given a time frame on which to operate with. If its a song, we can order Nameless to go back to Ogopa and record a new track within two weeks failure to which, his future drafts will be delayed before approval.

If it’s a stand up skit, then Churchill goes back and has two days to present a new draft with jokes and the same punishment exists.

Because we all cannot be in the sub-committee to work on the draft, fans will need to vote in six guys to be their representatives and have the powers to agree or disagree.

After the entertainers have fulfilled the committee’s demands, it moves to the next level where a nine-member commission will oversee the implementation of the new track, show or movie which the public will now enjoy.

If it’s a new artiste, they must present at least 6 songs to prove that they are not one-hit wonders. If the committee feels like the artiste does not have what it takes, then they can present the song to the public but with a tag; “Warning, one hit wonder”.

I have a feeling this process will guarantee us quality entertainment for ever and ever!Dont’ you think so?

‘ENTERTAINMENT’ GOODS FAULTY

This is a protest letter of sorts to the Kenya Bureau of Standards (KEBS) for they claim that they are “on top of things” when it comes to protecting the consumer from substandard goods.
I believe I speak for the majority when I say that there is one area that they do even concentrate on. Entertainment. Have you listened or watched to some of the material, we music consumers, also known as fans, are exposed to?

I have heard music that made my ears bleed, got me dizzy and almost re-taste whatever I had eaten earlier. I have watched things that my eyes were not supposed to see and I almost snapped a finger as I scampered to press the remote button.

I am not only talking about those River Road made vernacular porn flicks that will give you an indigestion, I am also bringing to your attention some of the music and shows that have been approved for “GE” (General Exhibition).

So KEBS, I need to know why you are not pursuing the people allegedly known as entertainers, who are behind these atrocious productions? I am a Kenyan taxpayer and I believe I should be protected from un palatable music or shows that are on air.

Has any of you tried to watch some of the Jitu Films productions? If you haven’t you should be fired because you are supposed to have your “ENT”, Ears, Eyes, Nose and Tongue on the ground to hear, see, smell and even taste anything that’s on the market. If you have watched the productions, then you should also be fired for letting it go to the market the way it is.

Have you watched some of the commercials we the taxpayers are being subjected to? All these detergent and insecticide commercials that sound and look the same because of using the same ad agencies are a health hazard. And don't even get me started about that Safaricom "Super Ongea" ad or the KPLC "Stima Loan" commercial.

They should be banned for lack of creativity and causing untold anguish to some of us who think we can do far much better.

Have you listened to the song “Pamela” by SK Blue and Ringtone or the first lines of the song by Jaguar and AY; “Wanashine kwa mwangaza na wanajidai, mi nashine kwa giza na sijidai”. I love the song and its video but that line is way below KEBS standards, I would like to believe!

Have you listened to Soulja Boy, Gucci Mane and Bird Man? They give dumb a whole new meaning, and they are supposed to be international stars! Can you believe that?

You see, if you won’t help protect Kenyans from such substandard material, then I will just have to change and see if one John Michuki, the Minister for Environment can help me together with NEMA.

I am part of the environment that he is so determined to save and if I will be “destroyed” by such material, then I bet my appeal will be somewhere near the Mau forest issue.

Do you realise how much of the environment is used to process, print and record some of these useless materials? I guess Michuki is the right man to pursue. Think he will help me out?