LIGHTNING STRIKES NAIROBI

The fastest man on earth, Usain Bolt, lands in Kenya in a couple of hours and there's a lot of excitement among his fans from this part of the world. Everybody would like to see what the man who grips the world for a record 9 seconds every time he is racing is made of. Does he have a Ferrari F430 engine, fumes or does he run on a trend mill?
Others will want to know if they can get your weed guy's number since there is belief that all Jamaicans partake of the green.
But even as we welcome Mr Usain Bolt to Kenya, here are a few pointers he should keep in mind.
Don't be fooled, you may be the fastest man but in Nairobi, if a thief gets hold of your phone, bling or those Puma shoes, trust me, you can't, I repeat, can't catch them. You keep threatening that you are still yet to reach your peak and that you can still further slice the 9:58s World Record but if your bling finds itself in the hands of a Kenyan pickpocket, trust me, you will operate at your very best and still not even see the colour of shorts he is wearing.
Blame our Athletics Kenya guys that they have not exploited such talent.
I know you will be visiting the President and the Prime Minister later on. Here's what you need to know, our President will most probably have no clue who you are so don't go all excited asking him what he thought about how you annihilated Tyson Gay.
He is a very friendly man our President so just enjoy the jokes and keep a translator nearby just in case he switches to Swahili or Kikuyu without warning.
As for our Prime Minister, he definitely knows a thing or two about you and he will be so excited to meet you and tell you about his "kassin" (cousin) Barack Obama and how he met him recently. He will also marvel at how both your names, Usain and Hussein rhyme and might entertain a notion that may be just may be you might be related.
You can try and get him to do the "Bolt Arms" move and he will thank you for it just tell him that you will need a cheque if he uses it in his 2012 campaigns.
We know how much you love Reggae. There's a club called Mad House in Nairobi and its also known as the "Tourists club". Its on a very famous street called Koinange Street, goggle it and discover why everybody is a star on that strip and the girls there keep yelling "Sweetie".
We know you are here on an environmental mission but don't try and talk about global warming because you will get the "How dare you" eyes. It is wet and cold in Nairobi and there are those who might entertain any idea that has anything to do with heat.
Brother Bolt, (notice the "brother" tag? Yeah, you are in Africa) we have a new tourist attraction site called Kibera. Any high profile person who lands in Kenya is whisked to see one of the most "amazing" sites in Kenya. It's a slum, the biggest in East and Central Africa we are told so resist the urge to join the long list of people who see it and start promising to help Kenya. Never happens.
Lastly, Nairobi is a no smoking zone ...
Welcome to KENYA!

Awards and speeches

The award ceremonies are here and Kenyans are bagging them like crazy. Next up, the Channel O Music Awards due to be held this weekend. We are well represented by five of our entertainers; Wahu, Amani, Cannibal, Risasi and Collo. I wish them all the best and I would like to give them a head start on a small matter.
You see, if your name is up for an award, there are chances that you might just bag the award and if you are present to accept your award, then your fans will need to hear an acceptance speech.
As far as I know, we are not used to winning continental awards and so we cannot be blamed for being not well versed in the art of giving acceptance speeches.
It is unfortunate that we do not have our very own Kanye West who can help interrupt your acceptance speech which means, you have no excuse of not having one.
If you saw Amani scratching her head while receiving her award at the MTV Awards or Nameless trying to make up something on the go after he received his award then you get my drift.
The most amusing one was Amani, she was blank but clever girl, she managed to scratch her head until something cropped up. Wahu was brilliant last year in Nigeria when she won her award she used tears and really helped bring out the supposed effect!
You see, when you win an award, there are people who have really helped you bag it and it is usually disastrous when you forget to thank them. But that’s not enough, you will need to have a flow and need to be contained.
“Er, Er, I would like to, er, er...” Is a big No, No! Also, this is unacceptable; “I thank God, and my haters...” Come on! Those two never go hand in hand!
Always start with God, family and everybody else follows but try and avoid making it look like a “Salaams club” session on KBC. You cannot thank everyone. When you start thanking your dad’s cousin’s little brother’s nephew’s mother, then we have a problem.
If you want write them down and keep them short and sweet. Never, ever, forget to thank your fans or at least those that voted for you. It might come back to haunt you!
While at it, don’t forget to thank me for this brilliant coaching session. I will be waiting and all the best to the nominees!

A POLITICIANS GUIDE TO THE HAGUE

In two weeks time, one Mr Louis Moreno Ocampo lands in Kenya ready to take back with him some of the perpetrators of the Post Election Violence. These are the big shots, those who funded the violence and whatnot.
Ocampo looks like a guy from a horror flick, very scary and intimidating and he does sound serious about introducing some few errant Kenyan politicians to camp Hague. So when he lands, you can bet there will be some people packing up for the nine hour trip to Europe.
Since we won't have time to bid them farewell or even get to find out where they will residing. Many might also be caught by surprise that they are leaving with Mr Ocampo. This means, they won't have enough time to prepare and do the pre-travel arrangements like checking out their destination and things to do.
So, being the good guy that I am, I thought it would be appropriate to post for them a "Politicians guide to the Hague". You see, Hague is not a courtroom, its a town located in the centre of Europe, between London, Frankfurt, Berlin, Paris and Rotterdam-- the world's largest port.
Kenya Airways and KLM operate flights from Kenya to the Netherlands regularly and as many of you (politicians) are used to traveling, you can get there using the Flying Blue air mile card.
Once you land, there will be no need to use public transportation, Mr Ocampo will have sorted that out for you and because you are a "Mheshimiwa" you will even have armed security to your "hotel".
Mr Kenyan politician, you need to know that The Hague is also known as the 'City of Peace and Justice' which was lain in 1899, when the world's first-ever Peace Conference took place.
It is the third largest city in the Netherlands after Amsterdam and Rotterdam, with a population of 485,818 excluding your honorable self. It is quite a melting pot, both literally (as is your case) and figuratively. All foreign embassies and government ministries are located in the city.
As to where you will be residing, The International Criminal Court, also known as the ICC. If you don't know by now, this is a permanent tribunal to prosecute individuals for genocide, crimes against humanity, war crimes, and the crime of aggression. If you are on that flight with Ocampo, you are accused of having done one of the above.
You won't be lonely while at the Hague, Liberian President Charles Taylor has been there for quite some time now and its very possible he "runs the Hague cells". Be on his good side and you will well.
I hope you have watched Prison Break first season. This is because Taylor may approach you and offer you his pocket lining. Don't ask questions, just grab it and you will be safe.
If not, then please listen carefully, DO NOT DROP THE SOAP!
So long Mr Politician. Enjoy your trip and stay and hope to never see you again!

KCSE PAPER 1 AS I REMEMBER IT

As I type this, there are thousands of Form Four students scared stiff on whether they will pass the KCSE exams they have started writing this morning. It is a terrifying experience for anybody who has passed through the Kenyan education system.
Every school has two AK-47 wielding cops doing their rounds and trying to look important or maybe they can trace their failures in life to this time back in their day.
As they wonder about what might have happened had they passed those exams, there is another mean looking female teacher seated at the very front reading last week's paper and keeps adjusting her wear. Oh, what it does to a 17-year-old adolescent boy.
She then steps out and comes back with a huge blue mug and one of those "Makes 14 cups of tea" Thermoses or flasks. On the other hand she carries six King Sized "Mandazis".
She then takes her seat and proceeds to empty the thermos and devour the mandazis to your astonishment and your grumbling stomach. The smell is enough to make you forget even the most basic of answers.
Try looking at her and she will treat you the same way the government treats Internally Displaced Persons.
If that is not bad enough, you then turn back and find almost everyone has a "Mwakenya" and others have text books and they are going copying faster than a copy typist. They make "copy and paste" look like child's play.
They then give you the "thumbs up" to show you that their prayers have been answered, literally, and even show you the exact question they are "researching" on.
You look at the "Invigilator" (yes, that's her official name) and she is on her 13th cup of a possible 14 and you almost start crying because besides the hunger, the copying going on behind you is tearing you apart.
The bell rings and you all stand up and hand in your papers. The teacher is full and happy and those behind you have filled their answer sheets and are even happier.
Ironic that after 12 years of education, your adult life will be determined by that exam.

Alpha Male Vs Superlito!

Give it up to East Africa's very own superheroes; one one corner is Tusker Project Fame's winner The Alpha Male and on the other corner is Superlito!
And so, after a whole two months that were all dominated by the comedian wanna-be superlito, it went down to the wire where he was knocked out by the ever sensitive Alpha Male.
It was a battle that was won fair and square although the real battle was behind the scenes as their fans, overwhelmingly teenage girls, thumbed in their votes via text.
I must say, TPF3 was one of the best produced shows compared to the last two. Even the winner was deservedly awarded. Or was he?
When it comes to singing, Alpha was the Alpha male literally but beyond TPF, I think Ng'ang'a would have carried their torch better than Valerie Kimani the inaugural winner and Esther Nabaasa.
The two have not been as visible as it would have been expected but let's not get into that. Alpha will continue singing and he will go places and EABL will milk his popularity in Rwanda to the last drop but does he have a Tusker image? No! Not even an Alvaro image.
You see, for one to carry a brand as big as Tusker, you have to be nuts and if there's anything Ng'ang'a was, it was nuts! He would be the kind of guy who, whenever see him, you see a mlevi but not in a bad way.
I can bet that Ng'ang'a is one Mugithi track to being the biggest artiste Kenya has and having had a chat with him, I can tell you that he will do just that.
As for Patricia, I really think this kid has talent although she might appear like she is "upmarket" for her fans and loose out. She does have the voice and the looks. if only she can use her Psychology degree to her advantage when dealing with her fans.
Caroline is Ugandan. Period! Ugandans are known to love their artistes so I have no fear that she will go far especially if she keeps her hyper and down-to-earth attitude.
But even as these wanna-bes are thrown into the public, especially the Kenyan one, known to be unforgiving and just give lip service for support, they will need TPF to help them out in a bit.
But TPF has been atrocious in "post TPF hype", they never use the contestants to market themselves the way, say, American Idol has been with the likes of David Cook or Kelly Clarkson.
They need to keep tabs on this kids because one the winner bags the Sh5 M, they are out and they will be seen again next time a new TPF rolls in.
Sure, Tusker sinks in over Sh300 million for the reality show and I never get why people go "ga ga" over that amount. First, if you were to calculate how much free media the show gives the mother brand, then you will realise that 300M is loose change.