A Kenyan on vacation

Kenyans are a peculiar lot like one Michael Joseph once claimed and was almost ran out of town.

But there are signs to show that this is indeed true. Take what Kenyans do while on vacation.

Kenyans spend half of their working time dreaming about going on vacation and resting. When they finally get to Mombasa, Naivasha, Nanyuki or Nakuru, they will do everything else but rest.

They will hang out every single waking moment, dance themselves lame, shout themselves horse, drink themselves silly and stare their eyes blind.

Ask any soul that was in Mombasa over the Christmas and New Year how many hours they slept. Want to bet that in the ten days, there are guys who slept a combined 10 hours?

Club Lambada and Bobs were the main reason for this self induced insomnia. Guys would rave for 12 hours straight. From midnight to midday, leave the club, catch some forty winks for two hours or less and hit the beach with their poison of choice.

The drinking would start at 3PM until 9PM before it the session would be transferred to Bobs.

You see, Bobs is not that great a club, the music is boring, security guys feel sweet but people love it because that is where Nairobians meet.

It beats all sense why you would escape the concrete and traffic jam laden jungle that is the Capital city only to go and meet everybody you always see back home. But hey, we are Kenyans right? You wouldn't understand.

The ladies who feel sweet for guys in Nairobi are extremely friendly when they are out of town. So if there is a girl you have been following in vain, just know when she’s headed to Mombasa and you will be in luck.

So after all the rave, it is time to go home and what do Nairobians do, they intoxicate themselves further with the slim hope they will sleep on their way back.

That never happens, they keep slipping in and out of slumber to make sure the levels of their intoxication is constantly rising. They get to Mtito Andei and they refill further.

You would think after a week or two in Mombasa, one would be ready to get to work. No, not Kenyans, they will need a day or two so as they can get the rest they were to take in the first place.

Now, check, the itinerary of a foreigner, they check into the hotel, sleep and then the rest of the days will be spent at the beach getting a tan, snorkeling or kite surfing.

Save for those who come for the sex tourism, the rest get as much rest as possible that when they go back home, they can work for a year straight.

But that’s boring to a Kenyan. Don’t expect me to sleep on vacation.

I am Kenyan... You wouldn't understand!

There are somethings that I, or any of my fellow citizens would do that only we understand. You see, "We are Kenyan, You wouldn't understand."

Every holiday season, we all made the exodus from the concrete jungle to the the lush green jungle that is "shagz" (upcountry). We still do batter trade here, We take maize and wheat flour, the XXL loaf of bread, Kasuku (thats the name for all cooking fats) and some other fancy items and they in return slaughter a goat, buy the soda and provide accommodation. You see, we are Kenyan, you wouldn't understand.

We are shocked whenever we hear a full grown American or Brit saying they didn't make it in life because their dad missed their recitals, soccer games or graduation. You see, for us, the only time we wished to see our parents was on visiting days, for those of us who were in boarding schools or when she just dropped by and brought goodies. If you got news that any of your relatives was around, it was probably bad news or something that resulted in an ass whopping. You see we are Kenyan, you wouldn't understand.

Sometime back, Oprah Winfrey had a guest on her popular show talking about how to discipline children. Really? Apparently, this genius of a person, recommended was not the good old spanking, no she advised parents; "You look your child in the eye and with a very stern voice tell them to stop," Now if that had happened in my house while I was growing up, I would have written a best seller by now. You see, we are Kenyan, you wouldn't understand.

Still on spanking, what in God's name is a timeout? The only kind of timeout Kenyan children know is when your parent is taking a "time out" to catch a breather and continue with the ass whopping either with a belt, slipper or anything they can grab. Most of the time, the fight stopped when the neighbours intervened. You see, we are Kenyan, you wouldn't understand.

You must feel for Tiger Woods, just because he had 14 mistresses, he is the scum of the earth? If he were Kenyan, or African, he would be a hero. This story would not even have made headlines, if anything, he would be on a public rally somewhere launching his political career! Just 11 mistresses? There are politicians who have been accused of raping and they didn't even step in a police station. You see, we are Kenyan, you wouldn't understand.

You see, when it comes to ladies, we have the most beautiful girls in the continent. They are gracious but they do have their own lingo. Let's call it "Swanglish" (Swahili and English) and it goes like this; "Jana I kwendad nyumbani and I kutanad with your brathe usiku. I was nyeshewad mbaya sanaa!" Or it can also go something like this; "Si I ambiad you to wacha chekeleaing me?" You see, we are Kenyan, you wouldn't understand.

When it comes to our parents, we have never heard our folks talking about how they have money. Never! Its always "I am as broke as a church mouse" then they go and come back with a new car, buy land. Even when we grow up, they still never have money! You see, we are Kenyan, you wouldn't understand.

We never understand why some of our own would wish to travel to the US and get a job bathing old people in homes while your very grandmother who is older than them is still strong enough to go and till her own land. You see, we are Kenyan, we also don't understand.

Whenever tourists come to Kenya, they always struggle to address us in Swahili only to find that some of us have more complicated accents than them and they have never stepped the inside of a plane. You see, we are Kenyan, we also don't understand!

When you have a birthday and you wish someone "A Happy birthday," you will most likely get this response; "You too". You see, we are Kenyan, we also don't understand!

Land of gloom

Rise and shine, you tell yourself. Look into the mirror and head to the vendor to buy the papers. Front page headline; "90 killed in oil tanker fire tragedy". The story tells of how villagers rushed to their death, smiles written all over their faces, jerrycans in their hands and money on their mind.

The previous week, 26 people had perished in a supermarket fire in the city centre. There were bodies that had yet to be identified from the rubble when the oil tanker exploded at dusk.

Some few weeks later, the terror network that is Mungiki is again in the headlines having killed over 20 people in Kerugoya in a revenge attack on two of their own a week earlier.

Before the tears have even touched the ground, some accident happens and kills dozens of school kids out on a trip at, ironically, Hell's Gate National Park.

Ever since the post-election violence shook us to the core, Kenya has seen nothing but a string of bad news and from the look of things, that won't be stopping anytime soon. The grim reaper seems to have found a nice piece of estate in Kenya.

Turn on your television, your radio, flip the pages of your newspaper, its nothing but gloomy faces and stories from human interest stories to our National team, Harambee Stars. We are so desperate for heroes that we are ready to crown anyone who looks the part.

We have so got used to bad news that we just feel pity for the affected and move on. There is not enough time to worry about one tragedy for long, there will be another just as bad, if not worse.

It is not unusual listening to people comparing tragedies if only to make them feel better. We now use bad news as ice breakers and then move on to other niceties.

A story about the IDPs has almost become an acceptable mistake. We were shocked when the stories first came out but they have since turned to be just another news story in the media.

The issue of the Mau forest has politicians smelling free PR and everybody wants to give their take. How else would you explain a politician telling the locals about how trees are useless because rain comes from the sky and not the trees and then he hops onto his helicopter leaving the poor people holding on to their tattered clothes from being blown away?

I guess misery loves company and there's a lot of "friend requests" from Kenya. We do have good news, but want to bet which one sticks to mind?

The age old adage about "What doesn't kill you can only make you stronger" may be true in our case, only that, it makes people stronger to kill more.

Every youth wants to talk about "doing something" and then immediately starts looking for Friday night rendezvous.

The biggest question in Kenya right now is what's the way forward and nobody seems to have an answer for that except for the same politicians who put us in this mess in the first place.

That's another thing about Kenya, a "clean" politician is one who has not caused the deaths of many people or has a big voting block behind him.

It is also about how well you can spin the bad news associated with you until people forget. And boy don't Kenyans have a short memory!

Who will save us from the Weave?

I was perusing through the Harmonised Draft Constitution hoping to come across a clause that bans hair weaves. You don't have to bet that I am a very disappointed man because it seems as though "that thing" that women put on their heads is legal and is here to stay.

You see, "that thing" has caused men untold suffering ever since it was "discovered". Everyday we wake up hoping to see that its gone or it was one bad dream only to have it thrown to our faces literally and looks like nothing will stop its growth. If anything, it's getting more popular.

It's this growth that has minted weave manufacturers enough money to buy three small countries and still have enough money to go on holiday at Saint-Tropez for ten years.

I have not even heard of any weave factory that has closed after failing to beat the economic crunch being experienced world wide. Talk about women power!

Since the mid-90s, women have been walking around in multi-coloured sewn-on or even glued-on hair weaves. From where I'm seated, be it in traffic, office, or even at the barbers, I can count over ten weaves and majority are those you can see the sewn-on lines. A complete disaster!

For some strange reason, women don't seem to think of the weave as a complete turn-off in the bedroom yet they keep wondering what happened to the sparks that used to be ignited once they hit the sack. You want the truth? That sisal mat is what happened.

A common sight today is watching a woman trying to scratch her head and its like a sci-fi horror movie seeing the whole hair move from one side to the other revealing the dirty and unkempt undergrowth.

There's a Swahili saying that goes; "Akili ni Nywele..." now do you think whoever coined that phrase had a woman wearing a weave in mind? So what does this mean for the women whose heads are full of fake, ummm, hair?

I was at a weave launch last week and boy, wasn't it a sold out show. The women were excited and it was near pandemonium when three weaves were thrown to the crowd. You thought women can't play rugby, think again?

To think that there are women who get shaved and their hair sold to others is creepy stuff to be honest. How do you walk around with the hair of a peasant from India?

And they dare call it human hair but when you see many of such hair, the only real thing on that 'hair' is the "Made in China" tag.

The biggest argument that womenfolk give to defend the use of weaves is that it is handy for women who have really bad hair and who need to give their real hair time to rest and pick up.

The problem comes in when many wear the weave essentially to avoid having to groom their natural hair on a daily basis and for heaven's sake, why keep the weave on for months! The smell is nauseating and the sight is so bad it should be legally banned.

This is a heartfelt plea from the men. "Make peace with your hair" Trust me ladies, men would rather see that kinky, natural hair any day and not your long, colourful fake hair!

What do you call a person wearing a weave. A weavee?

TRAVELLER'S GUIDE TO KENYA

Dear Tourist,

First things first. Forget all that mumbo jumbo you've learned from "Kiswahili for dummies" on how people greet each other in Kenya. Nobody says "Jambo" anymore in Kenya, that's so last decade.

You actually don't need to learn anything, but if you want to stay grounded and in touch with the Kenyans, then the following words are all you really need to know; "Niaje, Sema boss, Aje aje, wsupangalas" and many more.

Sometime you don't even need to say a word, just give the "thumbs up" sign or a slight nod and your message will be passed safe and sound.

This is Kenya, a country in Africa not a town in a country called Africa. Kenyans are a very knowledgeable people. We probably know more about New York than a New Yorker, and we even pull off deeper accents than you.

Typical Kenyan joke; "How do you know you are seated next to a Kenyan on a plane?" He's the guy who keeps changing accents whenever you fly over a different country.

We are a Third World country with a heavy First World country mentality. We know how much you love watching the sunrise, sunset and the stars at night. For that reason, we are cutting down all the trees that may deny you that pleasure.

So don't believe what the environmentalists say about the Mau, we are selflessly depleting it for your horizon and sky viewing contentment.

Once we are done with the Mau, we will storm into the Mt Kenya forest and do the same. Hey, it's all about YOU!

Oh, by the way, we have CNN, E! News and those big channels from your countries and so we know you guys from the West love to adopt babies, thanks to Angelina Jolie and Madonna. We are not superstars or have that kind of money but we are doing our best to catch up.

We are now adopting wild animals! Usain Bolt has one, Louis Moreno Ocampo has another and even our Prime Minister got in on the action! And guess what, they are all named after them! There are no costs in their upbringing, just pick, name and release to the wild! Genius isn't it?

Forget the stories you've heard about famine, ask our Government Spokesman, he will tell you that we just had a prolonged Summer. You all love summertime right? Then why would you say that sun was bringing drought instead of tourists?

Sure, you may have your F1, Indy Car racing and the rest. But in Kenya, we have matatu drivers and unlike those tame races of yours where the driver puts himself at risk, here, they drive with more than 15 people inside! Beat that!

You guys may have your Great Walls, Empire State Building, Big Ben, Buckingham Palace and the likes for your visitors. We don't have such but thats not a worry, or like we used to say back in "Jambo era" Hakuna Matata! We have Kibera! Our pride and joy and if you are a government visitor, you are whisked there before you even meet the President. Kibera is the biggest slum in Africa and truly a wondrous sight to behold. Who said we don't lead at something?

With proof like this, who can doubt that we strive to be everything the developed world is. And here’s more: we have a German coach for our National Football Team, and we didn't even demean him or ourselves by perusing his CV and noticing that, he was Liberia's national coach and had never won a single game in Africa.

We didn't care about that. Our Prime Minister flew to Germany and brought us a "hero" who would take us to the World Cup.
We didn't make it to the World Cup. Infact, we only won one game out of seven! Out of all the soccer coaches worldwide, Hey, that's his name, is the worst performer.

NB: For those of you who know something about this great land called Kenya, not all of us can run the full marathon in under two hours or the steeple chase without breaking a sweat. We have pickpockets who can outrun Bolt but Athletics Kenya won't do anything to get them join the National Team.

PS: We are not fashionable slim.. If you see shoulder blades protruding it is not as a result of a diet... wait a minute, it actually is, a major diet called MALNUTRITION!

KARIBU KENYA!!

ENTERTAINMENT DRAFT COPY

I think its time we started engaging our entertainers to a draft constitution like process. It would be the best bet against some of the bad quality entertainment we have been receiving.

I propose that they (entertainers) be tabling a draft copy of their music, film, TV show or skit before they can proceed with the final product. This will help in protecting us (the fans) from useless material that we surely don’t need.

I am thinking about Nameless, Habida, Churchill, Daddy Owen and Bob Nyanja coming up with a draft copy, sending it to the media or the public via their websites or Facebook and then we all give it a listen and vote on whether we like it or not.

If we don’t, we point out the areas that need surgery , where we think the entire draft is weak or unpalatable then we would just send it all back for another rework.This process I propose should go on until we are satisfied with the final product!

If the public feel like no changes were made to their recommendations, then they can decide to throw out the whole draft and order the entertainers to come up with something new.

Don’t forget that they will be given a time frame on which to operate with. If its a song, we can order Nameless to go back to Ogopa and record a new track within two weeks failure to which, his future drafts will be delayed before approval.

If it’s a stand up skit, then Churchill goes back and has two days to present a new draft with jokes and the same punishment exists.

Because we all cannot be in the sub-committee to work on the draft, fans will need to vote in six guys to be their representatives and have the powers to agree or disagree.

After the entertainers have fulfilled the committee’s demands, it moves to the next level where a nine-member commission will oversee the implementation of the new track, show or movie which the public will now enjoy.

If it’s a new artiste, they must present at least 6 songs to prove that they are not one-hit wonders. If the committee feels like the artiste does not have what it takes, then they can present the song to the public but with a tag; “Warning, one hit wonder”.

I have a feeling this process will guarantee us quality entertainment for ever and ever!Dont’ you think so?

‘ENTERTAINMENT’ GOODS FAULTY

This is a protest letter of sorts to the Kenya Bureau of Standards (KEBS) for they claim that they are “on top of things” when it comes to protecting the consumer from substandard goods.
I believe I speak for the majority when I say that there is one area that they do even concentrate on. Entertainment. Have you listened or watched to some of the material, we music consumers, also known as fans, are exposed to?

I have heard music that made my ears bleed, got me dizzy and almost re-taste whatever I had eaten earlier. I have watched things that my eyes were not supposed to see and I almost snapped a finger as I scampered to press the remote button.

I am not only talking about those River Road made vernacular porn flicks that will give you an indigestion, I am also bringing to your attention some of the music and shows that have been approved for “GE” (General Exhibition).

So KEBS, I need to know why you are not pursuing the people allegedly known as entertainers, who are behind these atrocious productions? I am a Kenyan taxpayer and I believe I should be protected from un palatable music or shows that are on air.

Has any of you tried to watch some of the Jitu Films productions? If you haven’t you should be fired because you are supposed to have your “ENT”, Ears, Eyes, Nose and Tongue on the ground to hear, see, smell and even taste anything that’s on the market. If you have watched the productions, then you should also be fired for letting it go to the market the way it is.

Have you watched some of the commercials we the taxpayers are being subjected to? All these detergent and insecticide commercials that sound and look the same because of using the same ad agencies are a health hazard. And don't even get me started about that Safaricom "Super Ongea" ad or the KPLC "Stima Loan" commercial.

They should be banned for lack of creativity and causing untold anguish to some of us who think we can do far much better.

Have you listened to the song “Pamela” by SK Blue and Ringtone or the first lines of the song by Jaguar and AY; “Wanashine kwa mwangaza na wanajidai, mi nashine kwa giza na sijidai”. I love the song and its video but that line is way below KEBS standards, I would like to believe!

Have you listened to Soulja Boy, Gucci Mane and Bird Man? They give dumb a whole new meaning, and they are supposed to be international stars! Can you believe that?

You see, if you won’t help protect Kenyans from such substandard material, then I will just have to change and see if one John Michuki, the Minister for Environment can help me together with NEMA.

I am part of the environment that he is so determined to save and if I will be “destroyed” by such material, then I bet my appeal will be somewhere near the Mau forest issue.

Do you realise how much of the environment is used to process, print and record some of these useless materials? I guess Michuki is the right man to pursue. Think he will help me out?